A life less extraordinary please!!

If the cap fits.....

2011-08-06T17:42:00.002+01:00

I've always felt that I've got a good sense of right and wrong. I hate to see an injustice being done and I will always root for the underdog. It's the optimist in me. The glass is always half full. I always look for the best in people. I always see potential where other can't.

I think I am right - all of the time - because I usually am. I trust my instinct most of the time, when I don't I always wish I had.

However much like the line in *Dirty Dancing*, If I'm wrong, I say I'm wrong.

Life sometimes throws crap at us, when it first hits my reaction is usually to ignore it. I can take one hit. When it keeps coming I find I have a choice - I can curl into a ball and wait for the shit storm to end, or I can stand up and fight my way through it. I can do something about it.

The shit storm is heading my way, it's predicted, it's inevitable. My first instinct was to take one hit then protect myself, that was my plan - tried and tested. However my sense of right and wrong is just too great. I can't stand back and allow myself to be scrutinised in a way that leaves me vulnerable and exposed.

Have I done anything wrong? I honestly don't think I have.

Could I have done things better? Probably.

If I had the chance to go back in time and do things differently would I? You better believe I would!

So as it stands, my actions are going to be scrutinised, my professionalism is going to be in question. But actually, I'm OK with that. Sometimes we all need a wake-up call. We all need the blinkers removing from our eyes.

The saying goes - what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. The shit storm wont kill me, the stink may linger for a while, but I've a terrible sense of smell so who cares?

I know I'm not perfect, I may like to think I'm in control when quite clearly I am having my strings pulled, but you know what? It's really not important.

Events over the last 12 months have made me realise what is important. I'm not infallible and I'm not perfect, I'm 100% OK with that.

I need to stay true to myself, true to what I believe in.

Please stand for Mr & Mrs Cruandall

2011-07-30T19:15:00.006+01:00

Well folks, it finally happened,

Stood still whilst

and the (not so) lovely

exchanged these

The bride had finally found a dress (after buying two that were too small)

That was perfect to hide this;

whilst the Groom realised that he had just

to the hope of ever having any of this

Reality hit home and he realised it was time to

to his new life............

We are so happy for you both,

I'm still standing....

2011-07-27T23:07:00.002+01:00

.... well propped up, but at least I'm not down - right?

It's been while since my last post - I have no excuses or apologies to offer. I expect many of you (ok, all two previous readers) will have moved on, but if you are still checking in, thank you for sticking with me.

So where have I been and what have I been doing and why am I back?

To answer the first, I've not been anywhere other than home/work.

To answer the second, I have filled all of my 'spare' time running. I run because I don't have to think when I'm running. I have no fears or worries whilst I run. I simply concentrate on staying upright!

Finally, I'm back because I was told that I look too tired, stressed, scrawny and my breasts have shrunk.

Obviously I need to lay off the running and come back to blogging!!!!!!!!

The House of Cards

2011-02-08T20:20:00.002Z

My life is falling apart.
The blue tac that has been holding it together for the last 18 months has finally lost it's stick.

I don't know what to do to make everything better.
I don't know how to take back all of those terrible things that I have said.
I don't know how to erase all of the selfish things that I have done.

I don't know how make Mr M love me again.

Suggestions on a postage stamp please!

Curve balls

2011-01-23T09:28:00.003Z

Life continues to throw curve balls - some I can catch and pitch right back, some just fly right past and are insignificant, some hit me square on, they are the ones I don't see coming.

17 years ago one of those curve balls hit me, it hit me so damn hard that it left bruises. Bruises that I've covered up. Hidden. Forgotten about.

How was to know that curve balls have boomerang qualities. How could I have predicted that the same curve ball would return some 17 years later. How was I to know that the person throwing it would be someone I adored?

How was I to know that - after 17 years and all that I have experienced - that curve ball wouldn't affect me in the same way?

It's hard to admit that life has changed you, that experiences have made you harder. It's heartbreaking to know that feelings and emotions you once embraced, you now fear and avoid.

The reality of being a grown up, of being a parent, of being someone who has been hurt.

So if I say I'm wary of the curve balls, it doesn't mean I fear them. I just need to accept them and learn how to deal with them.

Would I be friends with me?

2011-01-03T21:05:00.003Z

I doubt it.

I doubt that I'd think it worth the effort of trying to penetrate my 'stand-offish' exterior.
I doubt that I'd think I was worth a second conversation - why would I be?
I doubt that I'd be bothered with the slow dance, with dodging the curve balls.
I doubt that I'd enjoy being analysed -(it's a self defence mechanism - honest)
I doubt that I'd actually give a damn about a young lady who on the surface is over confident and self assured.
I doubt I'd take the time to wonder whether I was cruelly sarcastic or extremely funny.

If I did make the effort, if I did let myself take a second look at me. Then Yes, I'd probably want to be friends with me - out of pure curiosity if nothing else.

If I did become friends with me I'd hope that I'd find a true friend.
I'd find someone who's been through their own fair share of crap, who's stronger for it and a better person
I'd find someone who would be utterly loyal and over protective
I'd find someone who wouldn't judge me
I'd find someone who'd make me laugh, cry and laugh - in that order
I'd find someone who'd support me in whatever I decided to do, in being whoever I decided to be.
I'd find someone who would always be there for me - regardless.

I'd find a true friend.

So yes, I would be friends with me.

Always x

I've had better nights.

2010-11-06T21:53:00.002Z

When I suggested we go to the village bonfire and firework display I honestly did not think about how it would affect Mr M.

In hindsight being diagnosed with Combat Stress after a tour of duty in Afghanistan should have been enough for me to guess how he would react to the sounds of the fireworks - sounds very much like gun fire.

Why was I shocked when he hit the deck at the sound of the first one?
Why did I laugh when I looked round and realised what had happened?

Obviously, tonight was not one of my better ideas and Mr M certainly is far from cured!

Give me the strength.......

2010-11-06T17:04:00.003Z

To resist the daily urges to drive to the other side of town and beat Cruella with a large stick
To support Mr M with his metal illness without getting frustrated with him
To tackle the huge pile of ironing
To start the Christmas shopping
To resist *facebook* when I should be doing the ironing
To blog more often

If the above are not possible, then please give me the strength to open another bottle of wine!!

Karma?

2010-09-17T22:02:00.003+01:00

I've typed and deleted the bones of this post many times over recent months, the title was different and the focus of the content different - so how can it be the same post?It's really rambled, but stay with me on this one.

Today the Karma bus tootled into town and knocked Cruella flat on her big backside - so this post now has a happy(ok, smug) ending.

To put you in the picture...................

Mr M returned from Afghanistan earlier this year, but my husband never came home. His experience over there has changed him drastically and this is something we've both struggled with.

In July of this year Mr M was diagnosed with Combat Stress (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), thankfully we have an amazing GP who has referred him for specialist help and has precribed appropriately. Mr M is making progress through Counselling and medication.

My last post referred to the antics of Cruella, add them to the Combat Stress and you get the picture.

Remember this ?

So the date for Randall and Cruella to tie the knot was set for October of this year. It was all very hush hush and the boys had been well warned not to disclose any details to us. However, 2 weeks ago Cruella had the nerve to ask Mr M for a copy of their Divorce Certificate. Apparently she had destroyed hers (very grown up) and now needed to present it to the Registry Office before her and Randall can lodge their intent to marry.

So the good bits about Mr M's current condition - he's grown a huge pair of Bo***cks and is now very assertive. Something which Cruella soon discovered.

So Mr M's reply to her text message requesting the Divorce papers - nothing.

Mr M's reply to her getting Woody to ring Mr M asking for the Divorce Papers - 'Hi mate, it's great to speak to you, but to be honest if your Mum wants something she can ask me herself - it's not fair that she sould ak this of you. Anyway, what have you done at school today?'

Mr M's reply to her getting both boys to ask for the divorce papers last weekend -'boys, it's really not fair that your Mum should ask you two to do this. If your Mum wants to speak to me thenshe has my number and can call me. Anyway, how was Tennis this morning?'

Mr M's reply to Cruella when she finally rang him on Wednesday and told him she needed his divorce papers as she didn't know where her's were - ' you really should learn to look after your things better. Since I married Mrs M any papers relating to time that I spent with you have become obsolete and I'm not prepared to spend any of my time looking for them when you've been so careless with yours. If it were the other way around I know without a doubt that you would get great pleasure in withholding them from me.....'

The boys arrived today and the wedding came up in conversation. Apparently they have delayed it until next year as Cruella had had to apply to London to have her divorce papers re-issued and there has been a high financial cost for this, therefore the wedding has had to be delayed.

Does Mr M feel bad about this?

No freeking way - he has no idea where his divorce papers are and to be honest I think they were shredded after we got married (as our marriage made them defunct anyway).

However - I have no doubt that if he did have them he wouldn't give them to her and that makes me very proud of him. For the first time ever - Cruella does not get everything Cruella wants - and she's only herself to blame!

Toot, toot!!

Pay per view

2010-08-29T11:04:00.002+01:00

We are now officially pay per view - with regards to the boys that is!

Since Mr M returned from Afghanistan we have been locked into a battle with Cruella, she has been making it increasingly difficult for Mr M and I to see the boys - there has always been some excuse and plenty of avoidance. Now we know why, she has been planning behind our backs (for some time it would seem) to seek child maintenance for the boys via the wonderful (i say that tongue in cheek) Child Support Agency (CSA).

Some history:- Since they separated Mr M has always had the boys stay with him, for many years (when the boys were young and required 'looking after') they stayed with us more than they stayed with Cruella - not once did we ask her for any financial support - in fact we didn't contest her claiming the Child Benefit or Child Tax credit payments -even though it was us that were clothing them and paying for formal childcare. Money has never been an issue for us.

When we went to 50-50 shared care in 2005, there was never a case for child maintenance and we each paid half for all costs - school trips, uniforms etc.

Some facts:-

Cruella sees the boys as independent and is happy to leave them without adult supervision from 07.00hrs to 20.30hrs and beyond.
Cruella no longer 'needs' us to be unpaid childminders
There has been extensive parental alienation going on since Mr M was deployed to Afghanistan and this is still ongoing.
Since his return, Mr M has continued to pay half of all costs.
Cruella has never approached Mr M to make him aware that she has made an application to CSA.

So we get the paperwork from CSA 3 weeks ago we fill it in and return it the same day. Yesterday we received the notification of the amount we are to pay to Cruella. It quite clearly stated that this is to be Mr M's contribution towards the living costs for both boys.

So before I tell you how much we have to pay to see the kids, here's a quick run down of our monthly costs prior to Afghanistan:-

£140 fuel costs taking the boys to School
£40 Tennis
£100 clothes, shoes, school uniform for both boys
£50 School lunch for both boys
Total minimum costs £ 330

Annual costs would include half of all school trips and school holiday experiences with the last one being £580 for one boy!

SO.....

The wonderful CSA have ruled that Mr M must pay Cruella......... £185 per month and is no way obliged to make any further contribution. I'd call that a result!!!

Oh, and Mr M's parting shot to Cruella this weekend when she smugly hinted that she was going to 'screw him financially'.

'If you are referring to the CSA, I'm surprised it's taken you so long apply. I contacted them if February when you started being an arse and they advised that I do nothing until you make an application. Just look at the months you've missed out on!'

Her face was a picture - I cant wait until she asks us to pay half of some school trip or something, she'll be told where to get off. Our pay per view sbscriptions are paid in ful!!

Thanks, but no thanks!

2010-07-12T22:41:00.004+01:00

Mr M is usually quite thoughtful, since he has mastered the art of Internet shopping, his gifts have become much more diverse & creative - usually I'm thrilled.

Now I don't want you thinking that I've become spoiled or ungrateful - really, I appreciate all that I have. However, his most recent gifts have left me totaly and utterly speechless (well almost, I did manage a 'you've got to be f*ing joking!).

So here you have it ladies, my newest addition to my underwear drawer - in both black and white I may add........

So forgive me if I pass on these. I'd just much rather have a pair of these:-

Number 3

2010-05-20T20:05:00.003+01:00

I flaming well knew it - everything happens in 3's.

Last week I took a call from an advertising firm regarding 'an advert I'd agreed to place in a charity magazine in February of this year'. I could not recall any such call, but did wonder if in the euphoria of Mr M's return I'd agreed to help a worthy cause. The company informed me that the advertising space had been reserved & it was too late to cancel.
To the happy tune of £250 plus VAT.
So whilst I was a bit miffed with myself, I thought nothing more of it when the invoice landed through my door on Monday.

Until, I took 2 calls on Monday from different advertising firms regarding 'adverts I'd agreed to place on Charity wall planners, in february of this year'. Again the advertising space had been reserved & it was too late to cancel. To the happy tune of £199 plus VAT - one would give a 5% discount if I paid over the phone by debit card. WTF??

So February was the month that Mr M returned, does having lots of sex result in a complete loss of business sense and a desire to part with huge amounts of cash? I think not!

Tuesday Morning I decide to look into these a bit further, beforen I get the chance the phone rings and Advertising firm number 4 calls regarding 'an advert I'd agreed to place in a charity magazine, in March of this year'. Again the advertising space had been reserved & it was too late to cancel. Although they would offer me a £50 discount, so I'd only be invoiced for £249.00 plus VAT.

Enter the internet and the wonderful *google search*.

Within minutes I was able to see that all 4 'companies' have the same address - which is a mailing box in Manchester and telephone number. The registered address a house in the Manchester suberbs. They all claim to be affiliated with Charities & celebrities, yet when I emailed named charities they had no association with these 'companies' at all.
I was also able to see that there have been thousands of complaints from small businesses to the trading standards regarding these 4 'companies' and in fact they traded under many other names too.
I was also able to get free advice on how to deal with these companies.

Enter Mrs M, armed with phone & script.

Company No 1 - Started off very polite, yes we did contact you last week, yes we explained that you had agreed to the advert in February, no I can't tell you the specific date, no you can't cancel, yes the telephone conversation we had in February was recorded & forms a legally binding contract. No you can't hear the recorded conversation, it's only submissible in court.

Mrs M - I did not agree to this advert, the proof and invoice you've sent are extremely poor quality - my 13 year old could have done better with his laptop and HP printer. I've been looking into you registered business and am confused as to why you are registered to a mail box, which is shared by 3 other companies. I'm also concerned as the charity you are representing have emailed confirmation to me that they have no association with this company. I've also taken legal advice and despite your attempts to bully me into paying, your alleged telephone conversation is not a legally binding contract.

Company No 1 - I've cancelled your order, goodbye.

Result!!

The same followed for company number 2, 3 and 4.

It was extremely amusing to have the same conversation with the same person (pretending to be someone different everytime).

The worrying thing is that if they'd only contacted me the once, I'd have probably stumped up the cash, assuming that I'd been to loved up to even care what I was agreeing to - talk about scamming!!

Waiting for number 3

2010-05-18T19:20:00.002+01:00

Everything comes in 3's - right?

1) The hassle with the budget airline that kept me on hold for 75 minutes, then wanted to charge me £100 to put right their mistake...............

2) I pay £22.95 for Saturday morning delivery of my new camera. Parcel Force claim they attempted delivery (which they didn't) and I finally get my item on Monday morning. Too late for the wedding that I had booked on Saturday afternoon.

3).............here's hoping it has nothing to do with Volcanic Ash.............

Still on hold

2010-05-17T11:05:00.003+01:00

We've booked flights for next week, whilst printing off the boarding pass I noticed the airline had spelt my name wrong.

No worries, i'll just ring the airline & ask them to amend it - easier said than done!

I've been on hold for the last 62 minutes and at 10p per minute i'm none too happy.

I guess thats what you get booking with a budget airline!

AARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!

Time to celebrate!

2010-05-14T20:30:00.002+01:00

I know I've been quiet for a while, but I've been really, really busy.
I've had me an interview to prepare for and boy did I prepare!

Long story short.................... I applied for a job last year & was unable to attend the interview as I was out of the country. They refused to re-schedule the interview (really nice people!).
My Director of Service was livid & pulled a few strings for me to spend some time on the area - which I did & had a terrible time.
The job was re advertised in January and I applied, the job was then advertised again (to attract a broader base of applicants is the official line - to avoid me having a fighting chance is the non-official line).
I had an interview last week.
They offered me the job on Tuesday.

Say hello to Mrs M - the new Deputy Modern Matron for assessment & treatment services. Hours of work Monday to Friday 8.30-4.30. No more weekends, No more shift work, No more bank holidays, No more working Christmas or New Year.

I'm so excited - I have a secretary allocated to manage (amongst other things) my diary, which is electronic (wow, I'm used to wiping bums!!)

I get to be best buddies with Trixi Lee - rather than having to work with her & be buddies (which is hard on both sides sometimes as I can be a stroppy cow - i know!).

Oh and the best bit - with 7 years less experience than Cruella, I'm now 4 management levels above her - Sweet, sweet Karma!

Oh and a salary raise into the bargain!!

let the celebrations begin & the Mojito's flow!!

Would the real Mrs M Please Stand up? Part 10

2010-04-13T22:06:00.003+01:00

It's been way too long, but if you want to catch up Link back to this.

So there was I, living with my parents. In my old room. Bliss!

I never missed a day at work throughout, it was my sanity saver. The one thing I was good at and besides, my best friends were there - why would I chose not to go?

Mr H gathered momentum as the good boy jilted. Even my parents bought into his pity party. I was the one painted as the bad guy. I was the one who had left him, who thought I was above my station. I was the one who must have been messing around. It was obviously all my fault.

I didn't say a thing - to anyone. I took the blame, I listened to the rumours, I put up with my parents siding with Mr H. put up with 'our' friends turning into 'his' friends. Why? Because I was free from him.
My heart broke when his family cut me off completely though, yet I still couldn't bring myself to tell them why I'd left. He was their son, brother, grandson, nephew, they didn't have to know about the bad things - who was I to tell them? Even when his father ridiculed me and openly accused me of having an affair with another woman (his drunken logic being that I couldn't possibly have chosen another man over his son), I still didn't tell anyone anything. His Mum (L)refusing all contact from me cut like a knife - I love L so much - and still I kept shtum!

From the July until the November I continued to live in the same small village as Mr H. I tolerated my parents inviting him for lunch, or out for drinks (they felt sorry for him and blamed me). I never saw him nor spoke to him. I just went to work then came home to the comfort of my bedroom.

At work I continued to go from strength to strength. I really blossomed into a confident young lady (I was only 24!). I saw Mr M every day at work and our friendship grew. He was having problems with Cruella - I listened, but never once did I share my opinion, not once did I hint that he deserved better. He was married - end of story, out of bounds!
I'd been asked out for several dates, but after a disaster with a prison officer (another tale for another day) I decided I quite liked being single!

Towards the end of November I began to feel stifled, my parents were beginning to question my motives for leaving Mr H - was it just a case of me thinking I was better than I actually was, had I tried to be a good wife, was I having an affair? (I think the fact that I'd been out socially once since leaving Mr H would have answered the last question). I started looking for somewhere to live and within days had fallen in love with a little two up two down. Nothing to look at - but it felt right.

I put an offer in on the house on 1st December. Mr H moved his 3rd Girlfriend into my old house on the 2nd. I still paid his mortgage. He still threatened to slit my throat if I stopped.

You can write your name in it

2010-04-13T21:45:00.002+01:00

Lola is discovering the wonder of words. She's loving that she can write her name, copy words and even write words that we spell out to her (obviously these talents are from me!).

So, picture a four year old, walking around with a filofax (Mr M's old one that he never used) taking 'notes' at every opportunity. She's way too cute and very smart!

Smart to the point that she's worked out that you don't need a pencil and paper to write.........

.......as I was doing the house work the other morning she begged me not to 'duster' the television.
Why?
'Because the dust is good for writing your name Mummy'!

I really must clean up more. Or employ a housekeeper. Or buy more paper!

Adjusting.........

2010-04-13T21:31:00.002+01:00

...............to being weekend parents?

Like a Disney film - 7pm every other Friday brings a magical transformation. The fairy dust settles and four become six. We spend the weekend running here, there and everywhere - and love it!
6pm on Sunday and the magic starts to fade. Mr M takes the boys back to Cruella (rushing so that the car doesn't turn into a pumpkin on his way home).

By 7pm every other Sunday six become four and we carry on regardless.

Whilst it's not easy going from full time, to half time, to no time, to very other weekend time - the boys seem pretty happy with the arrangement. This weekend they have been really relaxed and even stayed until this evening (it's school holidays). Mr M and I think that they have realised that we just want to spend some time with them. SIMPLE. No games, no gimmicks. They get no pressures from us and I think that is exactly what they need.

On the flip side - Lola is not dealing with this very well at all. She is so naughty whilst the boys are here, the minute they are in the car on the way to Cruella's she's fine. She just doesn't get it yet. I suppose it's a struggle for her, she spend so much time as the 'eldest child' then has to drop back into line when Charlie takes up this role - it must be confusing?

Mr M has found it hard too. We hardly know the boys anymore however, this weekend they have really started to open up again - I'm hopeful!

Oh and Cruella is on a diet - I correctly predicted that she is focused on squeezing her fat backside into a tiny wedding dress - a green one at that! Some girls have no taste!

I know I'm rotten - but Karma . . . .

2010-03-16T21:57:00.006Z

So, whilst we were celebrating our Christmas and the boys were happily shopping with their grandparents this is what Cruella was up to:-

Randal

Whisks Cruella

To Dublin for a romantic weekend

Where he pops the question to Cruella

Who instantly starts planning how she is going to fit this:-

Into one of these..

She's rudely interrupted by one of these.....

and is well pissed off when its Mr M on the line..... (how were we to know?!)

Her weekend goes from this

to this!

She should have turned her bloody phone off - is what I say!!

Wonder if she'll ask me to be her official wedding day photographer? *insert evil laugh*

Put a sock in it .....

2010-03-16T21:22:00.003Z

....oh, you already did!

'Christmas' morning Lola runs into our bedroom and very excitedly asks if Father Christmas has been again. With this Dora bursts in (jumps her way in really) and asks if Father Christmas has been again.

Both girls jump into bed and all three of us 'push' Mr M out of bed so he can go and check - no point us all getting cold until we've confirmed that there are in fact presents to be opened 9and Mr M can turn the thermostat up on his way downstairs - logic, right?

So Mr M gets (is pushed) out of bed and with his back to us -safe in the knowledge that we are all preoccupied with speculating about father Christmas - he removes his lovely little boxer shorts with the intention of putting on his pants (yes, he's a pants man - he likes it all tucked in and not dangling).

Gotcha!

We girls sit giggling at Mr M's bum and he obliges with a little wiggle before pulling his pants up and turning round to face us.

Lola, in absolute stitches, to the point where she can only just get her words out, points at Mr M and declares:-

"Silly daddy - you've left your socks in your pants "

Mr M turned crimson, I almost pee'd myself and Lola was beside herself that Daddy was silly enough to out his socks in his pants in the first place!

Mr M now gets dressed in our bathroom!

Now the question is which type of socks? I would have said trainer socks - but I'm sure Mr M would insist they were boot socks!!

Service resumes - but it's far from normal....

2010-03-16T20:44:00.003Z

We had Christmas eve, Christmas day and Boxing day - it was amazing and wonderful and happy and sad all at the same time.
The boys arrived on our 'Boxing day', opened their gifts and then announced that they'd had a good day 'shopping' with their grandparents the day before WTF???? They blew us and our Christmas out for a day at the shops with their grandparents - to say I was angry would be an understatement - I was furious and rightly or wrongly told them both exactly what I thought. Cruella had gone away for the weekend with Randall and had made plans for the boys to go to her parents (another post in itself!)

Lead balloon.............

I then told them that if it were up to me then there would be no way on this earth that they would be coming on holiday with us the next day.

2 lead balloons.........

We got through 'boxing day' and we did go on holiday they next morning - all 6 of us.

We had 4 days away and in all honesty it was far from enjoyable. Our family dynamics have changed so drastically - it was hard for all of us. The boys were so far removed from the boys that we all knew and loved - they were selfish, rude and arrogant. Mr M really had his eyes opened.

We arrived home and the first question from Charlie was 'When are you taking us back to mums?' Mr M and I had briefly discussed this scenario and we took them back that morning. We came home and licked our wounds.

Four weeks passed before we heard from them again, despite numerous calls, texts and emails. Surprisingly *insert sarcasm* when Mr M left a voice mail asking if they wanted to come to London with us they called us straight back - I never saw that one coming!

We all went to London and despite things being a bit strange on the train we had a lovely time. The boys started to ask a few questions about Mr M and why he had had to go to Afghanistan, they also got to hear a little about what he had faced whilst he had been over there - you could see the penny dropping - literally.

We arrived home and Mr M & I had decided that we had to sort the situation out properly - I don't think my liver could have taken much more!

So the long and short of it................

Cruella has done a really good job of making the boys hate Mr M for going away - they thought he'd had a choice in it all and had chosen to 'abandon' them
The boys enjoy the freedom that they have at Cruella's and don't want to go back to having 'rules' at our house
Charlie has hit his teenage years full force and is moody as hell.
Woody can't understand why things can't just be the way they were?
Cruella did not allow the boys to come whilst Mr M was away because legally I'm nothing to do with the boys (cheers kids!)
Cruella has told the boys that we no longer have 50-50 care and that's her decision and nothing is going to change that (place your bets...)
Cruella does not give a flying F*** about what the boys want.

So we asked the boys what they wanted, we told them to forget about what Cruella wants and not to worry about what they think we might want and here it is:

To not have to stay at ours on a school night - they don't like to hour each way commute and it makes it difficult for homework etc
Not to have so many rules at our house
To come and stay with us every other weekend from Friday to Monday
To spend half of the school holidays with us
To spend alternate Christmas and Birthdays with us
To spend the girls' birthdays with us
To spend Fathers day with us

What we agreed:-

The house rules stay - no negotiation - how hard is it to make your bed, take your clothes to the laundry and shower every day?
No school runs - I'm happy with this as it was four hours every day (3 days a week) that we were sat in the car doing school runs. Also this would have had to have changed when Lola starts school in September anyway.
Every other weekend here - Hopefully minus the school runs this will mean we get to spend some quality time with them both?
Alternate Christmas's with us
Alternate birthdays with us
Fathers day with us
Half the school holidays with us.

Cruella has other ideas! She went absolutely crazy at the boys when they told her what they wanted and she was straight on the phone to Mr M - who may I add has really grown a pair since he's been away and firmly told her where to get off!

So the plan is for the boys to come after school this Friday - I wait with baited breath.

My prediction for Cruella involves a letter, child support and a demand for mega bucks! Unfortunately, I'm not often wrong with my Cruella predictions!

He's home.................

2010-02-04T09:22:00.004Z

.......................... and I'm loving it!

Christmas tree is up, the wine is mulled, the presents are wrapped and it's snowing - Happy Christmas to us!!!

I'll update you on how things are going in a few days - just a little busy right now ;)

Love Mrs M x x x

Ever decreasing circles......

2010-01-26T21:42:00.005Z

Where do I begin? I suppose with an apology for being such a terrible blogger! I have been reading all of the blogs which I follow, just not blogging myself.
However I just need to get this post out, it's been going round and round in my head for so long - Minnie I'm back for some free therapy!

I guess it would be worth going back to this to get where I am coming from.....................................

I didn't see or hear from the boys until the end of November, over 8 weeks from the date Mr M went away. When I did eventually get a text message from Charlie asking if they could come to stay for the night I was elated, I didn't ask any questions I just arranged a time and date to pick them up.
The boys arrived the weekend of Lola's 4th Birthday - it was the best present anyone could have given her - short of Daddy coming home, that is. The first few hours were pure bliss, the house was filled with noise and the sound of laughter was music to my ears. The children put up the Christmas tree and life was almost normal, for a while.
It wasn't all about Lola though as it was only a few days until Charlie's birthday - so he was equally excited to receive his birthday gifts from us and my family, after which the mood certainly started to change........
The boys were getting less tolerant of the girls wanting to spend every minute with them and they were pre-occupied with their new mobile phones that Cruella had purchased them (2 days after me topping their old phones up with £45 worth of talk time!!). After putting the girls to bed that night I asked the boys if they wanted to watch a film or play a board game. They didn't want to, but they did want me to do something for them.

Let me back track a little, mid way through 2009 I started my own photography business and I have been building this up gradually. I'm not brilliant, but I have taken some lovely portraits and have covered 2 weddings which I was very proud of.

The boys wanted me to take some portraits of them for them to give to Cruella and Randall as Christmas presents. Even though my alarm bells were starting to tinkle, I set up my home studio and worked my magic on the boys, after which they said goodnight and went up to their room. At breakfast the next morning I asked them if they wanted to go shopping for some frames then we could go to lunch, as I wasn't taking them back until 4pm. They exchanged looks and said they wouldn't have time as Cruella was picking them up before lunch, they would get the portraits at some point before Christmas. Next Charlie pulled a piece of A4 paper out of his pocket and as he opened it I instantly recognised Cruella's scrawl. When I asked him what was on the paper he just handed it to me. I was totally caught off guard as I read the list (complete with hand drawn check boxes) that Cruella had written. It was all the items that they boys were to take back to her house from ours. All items that I had bought and paid for.

New school blazer with ipod controls
New size 5 black trainers (both pairs)
Charlie's walking boots
Woody's walking shoes
Woody's DS games
Charlie's School coat
A coat for Woody to wear to school
Any jeans that fit
Any T shirts that fit
Any hooded sweaters that fit
PE kit and football boots (size 5) for Charlie

Believe it or not, but it was mid December and neither boy had had a coat to wear for school! I explained to the boys that they could take the stuff on the list, but it would be up to them to look after everything and ensure they returned anything they would need when they were here, as I would not be replacing anything if they decided to take it to Cruella's. They took everything!

Fast forward to the 19th December - Umpteen voice mails, text messages and emails all un replied to - and I get a text message from Charlie asking if they could come on the 20th overnight. Again I didn't ask any questions, I just agreed to collect them at 9am the next morning.

9 am on the dot and the boys bounce into the car, wanting to know if their portraits were ready! We got home and the girls were so excited to have the boys here, they were talking about Father Christmas coming and what gifts they would like to get. The boys asked if they could have their gifts before they went back to Cruella's. I was more than a little taken aback, but composed myself and explained that the girls would only be getting 'token' gifts on Christmas day and that we would be having our full family Christmas when Mr M returns (they already knew this as we had spoken about it in details before Mr M went away. Charlie didn't seem too bothered, but Woody's face was tripping him! He didn't seem to understand that whilst he would be getting gifts from Cruella and her family, the girls would have to have a few things from me or they would have nothing to open on Christmas morning - as my family and (the few that bother from Mr M's family) were not exchanging gifts until Mr M comes home.

Although neither boy was pleased with my response, we got through the next 24 hours without any major fall outs. The next day I took them back to Cruella's - with their portraits mounted, framed and wrapped. 3 for Cruella and Randall and one for Cruella's parents. We didn't even get a Christmas card, neither did Mr M - but that's boys for you eh?

We phone, we text, we email - Christmas day, Boxing day, New Years day, the day it snows and we build a snow man, the day I get the official date of Mr M's return, the details of our plans for our Christmas day, the dates of our trip to a very special holiday place. We hear nothing from either boy. Lola is beside herself - I don't know what to say. Mr M is non the wiser as they have never written to him whilst he's been away - despite me sending them stamped addressed envelopes!

Last week I get a text message from Charlie:-

'Mum's booked our holiday for the same dates as your in the summer - going with mum. Got plans for the date that you've arranged Christmas for - won't be coming. Not bothered about seeing Dad when he gets back - just ask him to ring Mum to arrange a pick up time for when we go to the very special holiday place. Charlie.'

Heartbroken. Angry. Confused. Suspicious. You bet your backside I was! I gave it a few hours to let the content of the message sink in, then I tried ringing Charlie, then Woody, then the house phone - no answer from either. So I replied with the following:-

'Hi mate, Dad will be really upset that you won't be celebrating Christmas with us, is there nothing you can do to rearrange? He has missed you just as much as the girls and I have. I can't understand why you are not planning on seeing Dad when he gets home. Give me a ring and we can try to sort something out. Love Mrs M x '

I left it several days and still I heard nothing. By this point I had come up with every excuse for their behaviour whilst Mr M has been away. I've had Cruella brainwashing them, raging hormones, peer pressure, not wanting to 'put me and the girls out'.......... but I can't find an excuse that I truly can believe. I sent my final message on Friday:-

'Charlie & Woody, You didn't reply to my last message - is everything ok? Dad will be ringing you this weekend, I've not told him about the content of your last text, I ask that neither of you mention it as it's unfair whilst he is still out there. He will be home on *****, Please call him when he gets back. Until you have spoken to him I won't book our holiday to the very special holiday place. Take care, Love Mrs M x'

I've heard nothing from either of them.

I'm still so angry. I'm angry with Cruella for encouraging/allowing the boys to treat us so terribly. I'm angry with myself for daring to expect more. I'm disappointed with the boys for thinking they can get maximum gain from minimum effort - We certainly didn't raise them this way!

I know that our little family has been ripped apart, I know it will never go back to being how it was.
I'm just hoping that I am strong enough to support Mr M and the girls through the rough ride that I know is only just starting. The last 4 1/2 months will seem like a breeze in comparison.

Not my best idea!

2009-11-27T22:49:00.003Z

I guess you have all been stuck in that endless queue of traffic, where it takes you 10 minutes to move 10 meters?

The very same queue of traffic that you sit in for almost an hour, whilst watching a steady stream of cars take the right filter lane and turn off into moving traffic.

That very same queue that always occurs when you only know that road to get you to your destination.

Today I was stuck in one of those queues, on one of those roads, watching that steady stream of traffic turn off in the right filter lane..............

Assuming that said cars were taking a short cut - obviously they were all heading towards my destination as we'd been on the same road - right? - I decided to take the right filter lane and followed the car in front.

We turned left, then right, then right, then left, straight over the roundabout, into a housing estate (you get the picture?).

My feelings of smugness at having found a way to beat the queue of traffic soon subsided when the car I had been following pulled onto a driveway and the driver got out and went into the house.

Shit - I was lost!!

My short cut resulted in me spending the next 30 minutes trying to navigate my way out of the housing estate, only to rejoin the queue of traffic further up the road from the point where I had taken the right filter lane 30 minutes earlier.

If that wasn't bad enough, my Dad couldn't hold his laughter when he asked me why I'd not used the Sat Nav. I wasn't even bright enough to lie and say that I didn't have it in the car with me!!

The moral of the take - never assume!!

Torn

2009-11-20T18:40:00.002Z

"We pish you a merry kissmas, we piss you a merry kissmas, we piss you a merry kissmas and a papy new ear"

Sung very loundly by Dora at 22.30hrs last night.

I didn't know whether to:-

1) Ignore her and hope she would eventually drop off to sleep

2) Enter her bedroom and tell her to stop singing and to go to sleep

3) Enter her bedroom and teach her to sing it properly

I opted for 3 - only to be told:-

"No Mummy, you are wrong. This is how we sing it at my nursery"

I think I need to go to next weeks sing & sign session - I'd love to see the Makaton signs for that one!!

I then opted for 2!!!

Wound up, button pushed, now spinning!

2009-11-11T20:15:00.002Z

My 3 year old is driving me insane!

Let me rewind.............. Lola is a child of habit. She thrives on routine, structure and boundaries. She really does not cope well with change, don't get me wrong she is adaptable in many areas - but when it comes to home life, keeping the status quo with Lola is a must!

7 weeks without Mr M and boys, of running all over the place juggling work and nursery, 7 weeks of very early starts and extremely late finishes has taken its toll on all of us.

I love my girls, but right now I really do not like Lola very much. More specifically I really do not like the constant whinging, the persistent demanding, the stubborn defiance she displays at every request I make.

I'm at breaking point tonight, I just want my husband home, my boys back and my little girl to behave!

toothless

2009-10-23T21:22:00.002+01:00

Someone certainly is!

Let me start at the beginning....

I was on the telephone to my friend A earlier this evening. We were having such a laugh at her youngest son -who had lost a tooth and became most disgruntled when the tooth fairy forgot to pay him a visit. He was so unhappy that he decidid th write to said tooth fairy to tedll her exactly what he thought of her tooth collecting ability. It really was comical - especially given that this child is such a serious little boy, who thinks everything through.

Anyway, I end the call and walk into the kitchen to be greated by................................................

.................................... A huge great Molar sitting in the middle of the floor!

When I say a huge great molar, I actually mean a regular sized molar, but for effect I changed the description!

Picture me, tongue rapidly checking that I have all of my teeth (yes, you'd have thought I would have known if I'd lost one without having to check!), me holding the girls almost upside down and checking that they had not lost a tooth - which neither of them had.

So I'm stumped. I have no idea where the tooth came from or how it got to be on my kitchen floor. But wanted to share my little bit of spookyness with you all!

Answers on a postcard please!

Rejected and angry

2009-10-20T19:50:00.002+01:00

It has been four weeks since the boys said goodbye to Mr M.

It has been four weeks since I dropped them off at school and said 'see you soon'.

I've had no contact with the boys since this day and my heart is truly breaking.

Never in the last 9 years have I gone longer than 2 weeks without seeing them. They have been a constant part of my life and I a constant part of theirs.
Lola is in a bit of a state emotionally this week, I know she is stressed as her eczema has flared up. Being 3 she can't understand why Daddy and the boys have had to go away. She has spoken to Daddy - who's thousands of miles away- on the phone, yet we've not managed to have any contact with the boys and they are only the other side of the city!

Cruella has really pulled the punches this time - I'm on the ropes and out for the count.

I feel so angry at Cruella for doing this to us. More importantly I feel so rejected by the two boys that I have raised as my own for the last 9 years.

I know that Cruella will have made it clear to them that they are not coming here - end of story. And I know that she will not encourage them to get in touch with us at all.

But I am finding it really hard to stomach that the boys have not sent a text message (when I topped their phones up with £45 last week) they have not sent an email when I know they have Internet access, and they have ignored all the messages I have posted for them on *facebook* - when it is blatantly obvious that they are on line.

I'm beginning to wonder just how much influence Cruella is having on the boys and I am praying that this lack of contact is not their decision - it will truly break me if it is.

Singleness

2009-10-01T22:53:00.002+01:00

Is it even a word?

Today I think I am suffering from a very severe bout of it!

I pumped in bed this morning - something I never do when Mr M is there.
Microwave Chicken Tikka & Rice for one this evening for tea, in the lounge no tray or knife
Watching the trashiest TV programme ever
Kitchen bin needs emptying -just realised it doesn't do it itself!

I think I've got a bit of adjusting to do!

You bet your arse I am!

2009-09-29T20:05:00.003+01:00

Pity party over.

I am blessed - well and truly, beyond anything I have ever hoped for or imagined.

For all that I have and for all that I am - I am thankful every minute of every day.

Sometimes it's hard to see the woods for the trees, I guess I need to remember what I do have and try to stop torturing myself about what I could have, should have, would have.

You have permission to kick my backside if I start to slack again!!

For I am blessed?

2009-09-29T19:49:00.002+01:00

I've often wondered what I have done to deserve much of the sh*t I've faced over the years, I think until I am tired thinking - yet still I can not think of any reason as to why I have been blessed* in such a way.

Take my first husband Mr H..... I was 14 years old and as innocent as you like when I met him. I did everything a good, respectful girl should have done. I became a nurse, paid my taxes and yet still I was blessed* with that Bast*rd.

Then there's Cruella, I must have done something really terrible to have her in my life? Nope, I cared for her babies when she couldn't be bothered to, I supported her ex-husband who she had broken, I supported her financially and cleared her debts so she could sit on her fat arse whilst I looked after her boys. As to why I should have been blessed* with this person remains a mystery to me!

Finally there are the in-laws, or as I like to say - The Outlaws! Lordy, lordy me! What the fuck did I do to deserve them? I've cooked, cleaned, decorated and practically run myself ragged for them. I've supported their eldest son to become the fantastic father, husband and individual he always should have been. I've nurtured their grandsons and forgive me for boasting, but done a pretty fine job! I've given them two gorgeous grand daughters and never asked for anything in return. Do I have the right to be angry when they fail to turn up for Mr M's leaving celebration? Do I have the right to feel cheated when they buy Woody a birthday gift and show up 3 days early to give it to him, then bring Dora's along 2 weeks late - unwrapped? Should I be truly pee'ved when they can not find it in themselves to offer me support in any way shape or form whilst Mr M is away, yet they demand that he utilises his 30 minutes a week telephone contact on them?

You see I'm not one to boast or gloat. I'm not one to relish in my own glory. But forgive me on this occasion if I indulge myself - just a little - a rub your nose in telling you how I am Blessed*

Sunday = Funday

2009-09-23T21:06:00.005+01:00

I had so many friends wanting to spend time with Mr M and I before he departed. We had lots of dinner invites, invites for coffee, BBQ's (which given our weather would no doubt turn into indoor events).... You get the picture?

With the clock ticking at double speed, there was no way we would be able to find the time to see those that really mattered - so I planned a surprise get together instead. Not that I had nothing better to do than organise food, drink and entertainment - but hey, I needed the distraction and the challenge of keeping it all from Mr M!

On Sunday many of our friends and my family (a whole different blog post for that one!!) gathered at our village hall. There was food and drink in obscene quantities. There was a bouncy castle for the kids and an outdoor play park.

Oh and I almost forgot - there were SUMO suits for the big kids!

I don't think I have laughed so much in years. The kids had a ball, the adults had a blast. I had everyone sign a small notebook with a message for MR M and I have packed it in hit kit bag - reading it on Sunday night made me realise how truly blessed we are. So I thought I'd share a few pictures and let you see me in all my sumoing glory!!!!

True to form

2009-09-19T20:30:00.002+01:00

If any of you are still reading - I apologise for my poor posting.

As I write this post I am juggling typing with wiping the tears and snots that are running down my face. If it's a bit garbled then I'm sorry, but I just need to get this out and let it all go.

It's now only a few days until Mr M departs for Afghanistan, if I said that I'm finding it hard to put a brave face on each morning then it would be an understatement. My heart aches already and my stomach churns every moment of every day with the anticipation of not having my best friend right here with me.

Yesterday Cruella crawled from her hole and announced that she would be withholding the boys from me for the entire time that Mr M is away - Oh, but she would be willing to let them come to me once a fortnight from 6pm Saturday until 6pm Sunday. Other than that no contact, not at birthday, halloween or Christmas.

I am devestated. Mr M and I have spent so much time with the boys trying to reassure them that they would be supported whilst Mr M is away. We have never put any pressure on them, yet they have remained adamant that they want to continue with our current contact - no changes, no messing about.

Their choice, informed and supported.

So today my heart breaks as Mr M and I have to try to explain to two wonderful boys why they are being excluded from the only thing that has been consistent and familiar for the last 9 years. What is even more hearbreaking is that they really don't understand what their mother's decision means. How do you tell that to 13 and 11 year old boys without saying truly terrible things about their mother?

As it stands I have 3 days left to spend with the men in my life, how do I enjoy these days without feeling so flaming angry?

As it stands Lola, Dora and I are loosing Mr M, Charlie and Woody from this Wednesday until sometime at the end of January 2010 - How do I explain that to a 3 and 2 year old?

Right now I wonder how I will get through each day, when just typing this post is killing me.

My baby is now a little girl

2009-09-07T22:06:00.003+01:00

Today Dora turned 2 - My heart aches for the tiny bundle that she was 24 months ago and my mind is in over drive imagining the woman she will be in 24 years time.

Happy Birthday Sweetness - Mummy Loves you so very much
(even if you do poo your pants sometimes!!)

Saving private dora?

2009-08-30T21:54:00.001+01:00

A trip to omaha and utah beach, a bloody nose and double skint knee for dora.

I wish she would accept that wearing her sandals on the wrong feet actually makes her more prone to a tumble.

Love Mrs m x

Busmans holiday?

2009-08-27T17:42:00.000+01:00

Forgive me for this self indulgent whinge.

Trix, hon you will know exactly where I am coming from!

I love the kids and Mr m. I love being in France. But please, for just one day- can it not be me who has to do just about everything for everybody?

Holidays are great, but flaming hard work with 4 kids and a husband who acts like an ostritch when things get tough.

Whinge over!

On a more positive note.... A few ice pops prevented dora having to visit the medical centre, but our trip to oustreime today did incur yet another grazed knee for the little one. I really think that girl needs to forget how to run and walk once in a while!
Lola went on a beech pony trek and loved every minute of it. The boys went carting and I think they'd give Lewis Hamilton a run for his money- insert sarcasm here!

Boys have gone swimming, mr m has taken the girls to the park and I'm burning dinner- he will take us out tomorrow night!

Will post again soon, love Mrs m x

Injuries

2009-08-27T11:11:00.000+01:00

So I had visions of blogging about all of the amazing places we have visited so far, and I guess I will- in reference to the injuries sustained by dora!

Monday we had a super crossing Dover to dunkerque - with only a slight graze sustained to dora's left knee. We drove down the coast of the north west of France -pas de calais- and our sat nav, Dave, did is proud!
We stopped on the Somme for lunch and dora sustained a cut to her left elbow. Back in the car and my relationship with Dave soon began to get a little rough around the edges- a detour through the 5th tiny village was the breaking point as it took us 30k out of our way!
We eventually arrived in Normandy and spotted pegasus bridge on our way in. We dumped our luggage and took a walk to sword beech - one of the most famous d day landing beeches from ww2.
Tuesday saw us take a trip to the hyper market, lola was fair taken with the crabs and lobsters in the tank- mr m refused to tell her they were there for people to buy to eat!
We spent the rest of the day by the swimming pool, lola is so confident in the water and Charlie and woody are both like fish. Dora really enjoyed playing with her watering can, until she tripped over it and grazed the top of her left foot!
Wednesday we drove to Arromanches and had an amazing day on the beech. Only Charlie didn't go in the sea- must be a teenage boy thing! We saw the floating pontoons that are still there from the d day landings and the girls had a ride on a beautiful carousel. Following which dora fell and skint her right knee, bless her it wouldn't stop bleeding! We ended the day with a dunk in the swimming pool and a beer at the bar!
This morning started off well, the kids were on the bouncy castles and trampolines whilst Mr m bought us fresh pain au chocolates for breakfast. Charlie and woody took the girls to recycle our plastic and on the way back dora fell and put her teeth through her bottom lip! We are just contemplating taking her to the medical centre as it looks like she might need a stitch or two!

Will post some more soon, hopefully with no more injuries!

Love Mrs m x

Fw: Testing

2009-08-23T15:47:00.000+01:00

Just testing to see if I've set this up correctly!

Testing

2009-08-23T15:46:00.001+01:00

Just testing to see if I've set this up correctly!

it's official, I'm a terrible blogger!

2009-08-23T15:28:00.002+01:00

Sorry!

I'm sorry I've been such a terrible blogger for the last few months. Life has been pretty hectic - good hectic!

We are currently getting ready to hit the road for our holiday to France..... Why don't you come along for the ride?

I'll set up my B.berry and post along the way. I'll post pictures to my other blog - for obvious reasons.

Lola is so excited she almost pee'd her pants this morning, I guess she speaks for all of us!

Who's idea was this?

2009-08-02T20:10:00.004+01:00

My good friend D convinced me to go camping with her this weekend. I arrived home from work on Friday, dusted down the camping gear (that has not been used since I was pregnant with Lola) and loaded the car.

Saturday morning arrives and with it comes buckets full of rain - I mean Buckets full!!

Do we cancel? No, D convinced me it would be clear by the afternoon and the girls would love the freedom of running around the campsite. By 2.30pm the rain is still coming, so I grab the girls (and our welly boots) and off we go.

Thankfully, the rain stopped before we reached the campsite and we were able to pitch our tents and pop the kettle on. Lola and Dora swapped their welly boots for flip flops and enjoyed half an hour of chasing D's daughter - S - around the tents. Pure bliss........

....... and then the rain came. The welly boots were back on, the girls were wrapped up in waterproofs and we planned to go for a walk.........

Until Lola found the muddy puddles!

They soon shed the raincoats and hats - thankfully the welly boots remained!

We had an absolute blast, even when Dora fell in a huge puddle and was covered from head to toe, even when Lola stripped to her knickers and welly boots - looking like she had just left Glastonbury!

Oh, and our tent didn't leak one bit!!

Time for nothing....

2009-08-01T08:59:00.002+01:00

Life has been so darn busy of late, I feel like I'v enot had the time to scratch my backside - let alone blog about it!

I have started back working full time, which means I work 5 days, clean the house 1 day and catch up on everything else the other day. 'Me' time is just a figure of speech and 'relaxing' is a distant memory.

However, as strange as it sounds - all is good in the house of Mrs M.

I'm counting down the weeks until Mr M deploys to Afghanistan, we are trying to spend as much time as possible together before he departs in September. Is it wrong for me to be wishing that he were going sooner - or is that just my warped logic, the sooner he goes the sooner he returns, right?

The girls are growing rapidly and the boys are hitting the 'kevin' teenage years - oh the joys!

Cruella has been very quiet of late and to be honest I have been far too busy to give her a second thought - I did notice that her arse has gained a few inches though!!

So whats next? I feel that Mrs M is going to be somewhat sparse in her blogging over the coming weeks, but fear not my friends, something tells me that my need for free therapy will return full force once Mr M is away and Cruella starts with her spiteful games!

Mrs M x

Yoo hoo, here I am!

2009-07-07T20:25:00.002+01:00

Forgive me, for it has been a while since my last post.

I attended my grandfather's funeral and it was a truly sad day. I really don't want to relive that day - probably why I've been avoiding posting - but I can say that I have never felt so uncomfortable, unwelcome and rejected in my whole life. One day I'm sure I'll share the details.
However - I did get to pay my respects and say goodbye to a man that I loved, respected and missed so very much, for that I am greatful.

On a different note - Cruella had been living up to her name, are you surprised? I'm beyond caring to be honest and have adopted the 'leave her to it' attitude. It seems to be working for me!

Mr M is begining to realise the enormity of his deployment to Afghanistan. As the date hurtles towards us I can see that he is getting more and more concerned about himself and us. I am trying so hard to be supportive - I'm sure he thinks I'm being Blaze about the whole thing.

I've been keeping up to date with the blogs I follow, but apologise for not posting comments - Kami I am so truly happy for you honey, Becky I pray for you and Holly, Jenn are you crazy?
, Minnie you crack me up!!

I'm off to finish watching the Michael Jackson memorial.

Take care my friends - Mrs M x

It's too late....

2009-06-14T22:29:00.002+01:00

My Mum's father died before I was born and her mother died when I was eight - I never really knew either of them.
My Dad's parents have been the only grandparents I have ever known.
They live in Scotland, but this had never stopped them from being a major influence in my life. I adored my Granny & Papa and would spend all of the school holidays with them. When I passed my driving test I would collect them from the train station, when travelling by train became too much for them I would happily drive up to Scotland to collect them and take them home again. I would have done anything for them.
When I left my first husband I spent a few weeks with them, licking my wounds. They never pried, they never judged. I was so proud and believed that I was so lucky to have them as grandparents.

Eight years ago they celebrated their Golden wedding anniversary. My whole family were invited to the celebration. Mr M and I were invited, but the boys were not.
My parents and sisters have always treated the boys like all of the other children in our family, there has never been any differentiation between them and my nieces/nephews.
I didn't go to the party and it was the start of the end of my relationship with the only grandparents I have ever known.

Over the next few years, my grandparents would send Mr M & I birthday and Christmas gift, yet they refused to even acknowledge the boys on the christmas cards. Each year I would send them a thank you card telling them what I had spent the money or gift voucher on - I always made a point of spending it on a family item or day trip etc - and telling them how much we had all enjoyed it.
The final straw was in 2004, we were all at my parents' home for Easter. My Granny had bought each of my nieces and nephews an easter egg and handed them out after lunch - my boys got nothing & I was heart broken. They were 5 & 7 at the time and didn't understand why they didn't get an egg and their 'cousins' did.
I tried to talk to my grandparents to explain how hurt I was by their actions. I tried to explain that the boys had had no control over their parents splitting up and their dad meeting me. It all fell on deaf ears, they replied by saying that the boys had their own grandparents, therefore they would not take on that role. We ended the conversation with me saying that Mr M and the boys were my family and my priority, they ended by telling me I had made my choice.

They refused any further contact from me.

When Mr M and I Married in August 2004, my father pleaded with me to build bridges with them. I sent them some wedding photos and spoke to my granny on the phone.
My Dad promised that things would be different now that Mr M & I were married. At Christmas he & I got gifts, the boys didn't even get their names on the Christmas card! The following March I discovered I was pregnant with Lola & realised if I didn't get things sorted I would have a divide with the boys and her.
Without telling them I was pregnant, I wrote to my Grandparents and asked them to re-think the situation. I wasn't asking them to rush out and spend money on the boys, I was just asking them to accept them. They point blankly refused & we have had no contact since.

They have never seen the Lola or Dora and I'm not sure if they even know I have had them.

I have been excluded from all family occassions - cousin's weddings, christenings etc. I don't feel that I have done anything wrong (please tell me if I have) & always felt wrongly rejected, yet I never once thought ill of either of them.

I thought I had come to terms with the situation, yes my heart was broken, but I always believed they would come round and embrace my whole family.

Driving home from work last night around 10pm, I saluted a lone magpie, a strange 'mist' hovered just above the passenger seat in the car & I was convinced my heater was blowing out smoke (yet there was no smell).
Last night I had a most vivid dream - My Granny came to my home, she told me she had missed me and wanted us to make up. She then asked me to take photographs of my home as my papa would never get to see it & he would have been so proud of me.

My Papa collapsed last night around 10pm and died in the early hours of this morning -on my birthday.

I feel so numb.

Bloody typical!

2009-06-03T21:30:00.004+01:00

Last year we booked our summer holiday to France (3 days in Disney & 9 Days in Normandy) - after checking the dates with Cruella to make sure they didn't clash. She informed us it would be fine as they had not made any plans.
We reminded Cruella & Randall of the dates in December and February - again they informed us that they had no plans.

Well, on Sunday Randall informed Mr M that they had booked their summer holiday, camping in Cornwall, for the last week in August.

EXACTLY THE SAME WEEK WE HAVE BOOKED!!!!!!!

Sunday night Mr M was sat trying to rearrange our holiday, work around things in some way.

I've out my foot down - the boys will be told that they can either go on holiday with us or with Cruella & Co. We will explain that ours has been booked since last August, that Cruella knew these dates. If they select to come on holiday with us then all well and good. If the select to go with Cruella and Co, then Mr M & I will have a great time with the girls.

I will not change our plans yet again as a result of Cruella's selfish behaviour. We are not letting the boys down, by booking the same weeks as us I think it is Cruella that is letting them down.

The more cynical side of me thinks that there is a flip side to this - who wants to bet that if the boys select to go on holiday with us - Cruella will change her plans at the last minute. The 7 days camping trip will be replaced with a 'last minute' package deal for 4 to some 5 star hotel in Turkey?

One of those days!

2009-05-28T21:21:00.002+01:00

I'm sure you've all had them, days where you wish you could just crawl back into bed and pull the duvet up over your head.

Today I had one of those days.

Today I swore a lot and ate lots of chocolate - neither made me feel better!

It all started when Lola decided to get up at 3am, she was wide awake and expected me to be too - why is it never Mr M that she shouts for?

Lola eventually went back to sleep at 5.30am, which meant I crawled back into bed and completely missed the alarm. I woke up at 6.30am.

This left me with 15 whole minutes to shower, dry my hair and get the girls up, washed and dressed before we had to leave for nursery. We managed it - just. I forfeited the grils' wash for a baby wipe - call me a bad mother, I am!

I'd just dropped the girls off at nursery - after an hour drive - when the loudest thud left me in no doubt that the suspension spring on the car had just sprung!

£120 lighter for the replacement spring, I get a call from nursery to pick Dora up. Her eye had swollen up and was all gunky. Policy is you have to remove the child from nursery until the symptoms have cleared.

I get home and realise I missed the delivery of my new *blackberry and now can'thave it delivered until next week!

To top it all off - Lola is refusing to go to bed and I'm clean out of decent wine (i'm contemplating raiding the vinegar jar!!)

So - I've had one of those days - how was your day?

True Cruella Style

2009-05-23T21:32:00.003+01:00

Arrrrggggghhhhh!!

It's school holidays this week and Mr M and I actually have some time booked off to spend with the kids. It's also the bank holiday weekend, so there are loads of events on. We had planned to spend time with our family on Saturday, Friends on Sunday, Family on Monday then fun days Tuesday and Wednesday.

The best laid plans........

Last night Charlie sent a message to Mr M:

'Hi dad, got things planned with mum all week and going away. See you on the 31st'

WTF??

So Mr M rang Cruella and had this conversation with her:

Mr M - Hello, I've just had a message from Charlie saying the boys wont be coming until the 31st. I'm a bit concerned as they are due to arrive on the 23rd and stay until the 27th - we have made plans.
Cruella - 'You always fucking do this'
Mr M - Do what? I'm just stating what Charlie has said in his message and I would like to know whats happening.
Cruella - Randall works in construction and only gets this week off. We've had things planned for ages.
Mr M - I understand that, but you could have told us sooner as we too have made plans
Cruella - I did fucking tell you - you just don't listen.

With that she slams the phone down and quite clearly the conversation is over!

Did I tell you how much I hate this person?
She did not tell us they were going away this week and Mr M certainly does not 'always' ring her up to challenge her plans and she has a mouth like a sewer!

So, it looks like Mr M & I are going to have lots of time to spend with Lola and Dora this week - Every cloud has a silver lining I suppose.

Ohh Pictures!!

2009-05-17T21:58:00.004+01:00

Now that I'm sure my picture Blog is safe from the likes of Cruella, I'm ready to unveil the real Mrs M and Co.

If curiosity gets the better of you, email me & I will send you an Invite - at least I think thats how I have to do it!!

Edited 18.5.09

mrsmalleop@aol.com

Help

2009-05-16T21:12:00.002+01:00

I've just created a new blog where I plan to post pictures of our family. I want it to be available via invite only - for obvious reasons!

Can one of you lovelies please try to access my other blog and leave feedback to let me know if you can access without an invite?

Remember Cruella?

2009-05-16T19:48:00.003+01:00

It's been ages since I've had to do a Cruella post. She's been pretty quiet lately, which although I welcome the peace, is not usually a good sign.

Today Mr M told her about his deployment to Afghanistan. He wanted her to know so that they could agree on when he would tell the boys. He also didn't want to risk her finding out from someone else - highly possible as they both work at the same hospital.

Her reaction.....

She called him a selfish *****, told him that he had no right going to serve Queen and Country. She continued her rant, stating that the boys would be angry with Mr M and would find it very hard to forgive him for abandoning them. WTF? Her closing statement was that the boys would not want to come to our house at all if Mr M wasn't there.

Talk about deluded. Does she not realise that Mr M should be commended for being a volunteer, that without the likes of Mr M, our service men would be placed at greater risk. Does she not realise that the boys are terribly proud of Mr M and all that he has achieved whilst being a full-time soldier and a volunteer reservist? Does she forget that all of the other times that DH has been away the boys have always chosen to come here as normal?

Well, Cruella. I've got news for you. I am so very proud of my husband, I think he is being incredibly selfless and brave to volunteer to go into a war zone. I will give him my support, even though it breaks my heart to think of where he will be going. I also know that in supporting him, I am a better person than you - you were behind him leaving the army in the first place, you gave him an ultimatum - who's the selfish one?

As for the boys..... I'd love them to keep coming as normal when Mr M goes away. However, I have a life and commitments and will not be an unpaid childminder for you. If the boys choose (yes, it will be there choice) to still come here - there home - then they will be welcomed with love and affection. If they choose not to come, then they will be told that the girls and I will always be here for them.

You see, fuck face, this is not about you, although I'm sure you will spend your time between now and the 22nd September trying to think of ways to play the victim - yet again.

Bring it on. Mr M and I are happy and secure in our relationship. We support each other 100% and we love all 4 of the kids. Nothing you can do or say will ever change that, so if you want to waste your energy trying - go ahead, make my day!!

Major Clanger!

2009-05-10T19:55:00.003+01:00

I actually thought I'd taken every identifiable detail out of my blog and I suppose I had - more or less.

Apart from the small matter of an email address in my profile, with my REAL friggin name in. WTF??

So, Just Me :) - I thank you for taking the time to e mail me and pointing out this almighty clanger! If you want to look me up on Face.book feel free Lol!!

Oh, and I have been quiet for a while. I will fill you in on all the details very soon - I promise!

Mrs M

No analysis needed!!

2009-04-29T21:19:00.002+01:00

Whilst driving home today Lola announced the following:

Lola - 'I don't like having wee's!'

Mrs M - 'Oh Honey, why not?'

Lola - 'I like having poo's better!'

Hmmmm, My 3 year old knows her mind!!

Would the real Mrs M please stand up? Part 9

2009-04-26T20:15:00.002+01:00

Wow, it's been a while! If you need a catch up try this.

So there I was. At my parents house, with a car, computer and two suitcases.
The first few days were an absolute blur, I recall spending much of the time in tears, tears of relief and dispair. I do know that I never once thought about going back.

My mum was convinced that I was having an affair and immediately took sides with Mr H. She cooked for him, would go to the house to wash and clean for him, would demand my dad buy him a drink if they saw him in the pub....... Of course I was the guilty party. I had somehow managed to ruin the perfect marriage. My dad, he knew there was more to it, but like the day of my wedding - he never asked the question. Probably because he knew what the answer would be.

My in-laws would not even look at me, never mind talk to me. They thought I was selfish, conceited and above my station. How wrong they were and it broke my heart.

Yet I wouldn't tell them why I had left. Any of them. I couldn't.

I never returned to my lovely little house, not once did I step foot back in it. I continued to pay the mortgage and the bills. Mr H sold my car and I bought a new one. Eventually I signed the house over to Mr H - nice of me eh?
What choice did I have when he was threatening to burn down my parents' home, to hospitalise my dad, to tamper with my car brakes?
Sounds extreme, but I never once doubted that he would follow through with his threats (years later I was to discover that he is a man of his word).

From the age of 14 to 24 I had been with this man. My one and only boyfriend.

So what did I get?

Two suitcases, a computer and a fear of ever telling anyone what had truly happened.

Oh, and I did have a fantastic friend at work. He was amazingly supportive and just the most genuine person I had ever met - Mr M.

I'm the only one laughing!!

2009-04-17T20:12:00.003+01:00

I had my interview today - what a total and utter joke!

After spending the last couple of weeks preparing myself, doing lots of research into the post, the organisation etc. I am bemused to say that from start to finish the interview was a farce!

Firstly I had to give a ten minute presentation (as it was a clinical trainers post) the topic was not disclosed until the interview - but I expected it to be around learning styles, barriers to training, national directives etc.
No - I shit you not ladies. For a middle management post within the dear old NHS I had to give a presentation on making a cup of tea! WTF???

So being me, I ditched learning theory and presentation styles. I avoided backward and forward chaining and I presented my own little version of making a cup of tea;-

1) Hob v electric kettle (electric kettles cut out just before boiling point so a hob kettle wins for me every time)
2) Tea pot or not? Depends on how many cups and how close to pay day - two bags in a pot will easily make 4 cups. However I prefer the cup method
3) square, round or pyramid tea bags? Biggest Dilemma
4)Mug or cup? China mug for me, a cups not enough and the china mug keeps the tea hot!
5) Milk in before or after? Got to be after!
6) How long to leave it brewing? Long enough to raid the biscuit tin!
7) Sugar or not? No way!

I don't think they appreciated my sense of humour!

It went down hill from there.
They asked me if I had read the person spec for the job - HELLO?
Of course I flaming had. They then asked if I were writing a person spec for the job what would I put as essential skill - How about exactly the same as you had put seeing as it was you who devised the role?

In total I was asked 6 very bland questions, nothing to do with my skills, my experience, my knowledge base - zip!

The best part - oh yes it gets better - was when I got to ask them questions.
I had 5 prepared and was expecting to ask at least 3-4 of them. However as they failed to answer the first two (the tumble weed was out in full force) I didn't bother asking any more!

I laughed after coming out ( I was in a grand total of 30 minutes and 10 minutes of that was talking about making tea) Phoned Mr M and told him there was no way on earth I would accept the job - but this wouldn't be an issue as there was no way they would offer it to me!!

Needless to say - I didn't get the job!!

The feedback........ I am too focused on professional and organisational aspects and they just want someone to deliver a training programme!!!
On a band 7 - really???

I am so not gutted, yes it was closer to home and more money - but so un stimulating that I would have been bored in the first month I think.

The only unfortunate thing is that I can't even use today as interview experience - I have asked more challenging questions and expected more when interviewing for Band 5 Nurses!!

Back to the job site for me!!

The best laid plans.....

2009-04-16T08:55:00.004+01:00

Tomorrow is the big day, the day I get to sell myself and bag a new job - if I'm lucky!

Today I had so much planned:-

6.30 - take the girls to nursery
7.30 - Go to the gym, do a 10K
9.00 - Hair cut & colour
Lunch - return home & select interview outfit (which consists of trying on every suit, trouser, skirt, jacket & shirt combination I own.
Some time later - tackle the shoe decision
Some time before 5.30 - go through all the research I've done for the job & practice some answers
5.30 - Pick the girls up
6.30 - girls in the bath, supper & bed
7.30 - Crack open the wine
Sometime before midnight - crawl into bed & pray the girls sleep through!

Unfortunately we failed at the first hurdle - both girls are running a fever, Dora has a viral rash & has been puking for England.
All bets are off, all plans are cancelled.

The joys of being a mum!

'Blast' from the past?

2009-04-11T08:12:00.004+01:00

Farting, pumping, passing wind, blowing off, bottom burps - call it what you will - I have a huge problem with people (me) doing it in public.

Now I'm not so highly strung that I don't find fart stories funny, I even got asked to leave my Yoga class as I couldn't stop laughing at the old ladies creaking from their backsides every time they changed position - honestly, how anyone kept a straight face I'll never know!
My problem is that I have a huge problem with it - I don't do it within earshot or smelling distance of any other person. I just can't do it - end of story really!

Yesterday I had lunch with a friend - Ruth -who I've not been in contact with for years. We used to work together, but sadly lost touch after I went off to University and her marriage ended. We 'found' each other again through *facebook*.

So after we'd done the talking at 100mph trying to cram 10 years into 10 minutes, we started to talk about the good old days, the really funny times we'd had working together at an exclusive holiday village - where most of the guests earned more in 1 day than we did in 1 month - but I digress... - We laughed so hard about the 'How many cream cakes can you eat at once?' competition we used to have after the shops had closed. We laughed even harder when we talked about a mutual friend Dawn, who was so funny she should have been on the stage.

Then, to my horror, Ruth remembered the time that we were both working in the really expensive gift shop, the time that I FARTED. I have tried to block this memory, but I've got to admit that even I found it funny when Ruth was recounting it.

So here it is, I stare with you my most embarrassing memory....

Fridays were checkout days at the holiday village, Ruth and I were stood at the tills in the expensive gift shop. We had a queue of people waiting to pay for their ridiculously overpriced gifts.
Whilst serving a very handsome, if somewhat older chap, I bent under the till to get some tissue paper to wrap his vase. At the point of bending down I sneezed, which was quickly followed by the loudest fart I have ever produced.

I was mortified.

I maintained my half crouched, half bent over position. My face was so red I could have cooked a full English Breakfast on it.

Ruth was laughing so hard that she was snorting, but she eventually managed to regain her composure. Thankfully she accepted the tissue paper I was thrusting at her and she skillfully wrapped the vase and accepted the chaps money. She also worked through the queue of people with only a few sniggers escaping from her forced shut mouth.

I remained under the till until the queue of people had gone. Then we both laughed so hard that we were crying.

From that day on I have been scarred for life. I fear the creak that may sneak out when I least expect it. I'd rather suffer the achy stomach, the bloated feeling and the stinking car on my way home from work!!

I am a closet farter!

Toxic Friend part 2

2009-04-09T15:41:00.003+01:00

Here's the background

This morning I took the girls to nursery for 7.30 and came home expecting a day at home - alone - to get caught up with some chores and some 'me' time. I don't have to pick the girls up until 5.30 so I figured a good day would be in store for me.

With the radio on, I was merrily mopping the kitchen floor when I heard the door bell go. I wasn't expecting anyone so thought it would be the post lady with a parcel - although 9.30 is way too early for our post.

Before I'd even made it to the front door, the door was open and there she stood - My toxic friend - in her full glory shouting "yoo-hoo, anybody home?"

I didn't have time to hide behind the sofa, or pretend to be out (although the car on the drive would have been a giveaway) - she'd walked right into my freaking house, what a cheek!

So my lovely chilled day at home has turned into a day of me entertaining her child, feeding them both and listening to her going on and on and on and on some more about her screwed up love life.

By 2.30 I could take no more and put my shoes on stating I had to go fetch the girls - she offered to stay at mine until I got back - WTF? It's going to be a 2hr round trip. I politely told her to sling her hook!

Am I so terrible for feeling like this towards someone who I once classed as a good friend?

I will be on guard from now on, the front door will be locked and the radio on low - next time I will take up my position behind the sofa!

Old bra and BIG knickers

2009-04-09T15:11:00.005+01:00

OK ladies, please don't tell me that I am the only 32yr old that has never had her boobs measured! You can laugh, scream at the lap top - whatever, but I know your secret!

My name is Mrs M and I have never been fitted for a bra, ever. I have spent all of my boob years wearing bra's that I think fit. When I'm not pregnant or breastfeeding it's a 34B every time.

However as I've lost quite a bit of weight and after having my boobs destroyed by two hungry babies, things are not quite the same in that department. Yes, they pointing slight downward and look a little like balloons that have been over inflated then had a bit of air let out - but hey, they are my boobs. My boobs that no longer quite fill the 34B's which sit lovingly in my drawer.

Last week Mr M & I were out shopping. It was a cold day and I was wearing a polo neck and thick jumper. I was also wearing the biggest pair of Bridget Jones knickers and the worst fitting bra I owned. Deciding that that would be the day that my boobs got their first proper fitting, I confidently walked into the bra and knicker shop and requested a bra fitting...

I had no idea that I would have to share a cubicle with the fitting lady, or that I would have to strip to the waist to be measured, or that I would have to try on hundreds (OK 5) bras so she could determine my actual size. Go on, laugh and no I am not incredibly stupid, no I did not expect a bra fitting via telepathy. I just didn't think it through - I've told you before I am impulsive!

After getting my head around the stripping to the waist concept I suddenly remembered what underwear I'd put on that morning. You can imagine my horror when I revealed knickers that were almost a boob tube and a bra that could have doubled as a hammock for a couple of small animals. I swear the bra fitting lady was smirking or maybe it was total disgust I saw fleeting across her face?

Anyway, the long and short of it is this:

:- Have your boobs measured and your bra fitted properly, too big and your boobs will be swinging around like a ferret in a sack, too small and you will instantly have four boobs.
:- If you are of an impulsive nature, go right to your underwear drawer and burn all of your old bra's and big knickers. Go - right now!!

Oh, and for the record, my boobs love their new surroundings. They are snug and pert in a very pretty 32A.

Would the real Mrs M please stand up? Part 8

2009-04-07T21:25:00.003+01:00

You know the drill, if you need a refresher check this out.

I stood there, in our small kitchen with my chin touching the floor and heart beating so fast it sounded like a drum roll. Mr H was doing his best goldfish impression.

I'd said it, I'd actually spoken those words - out loud, with Mr H in the same room. His reaction made it clear that he'd heard me.
I'd made my decision, now I had to act on it. Yet I couldn't move, I don't know if it was fear or excitement that I was feeling, but boy were my feet glued to the spot. However, this changed the moment Mr H actually began to process what I had said - I calculated I had approximately 10 minutes to get the hell out of that house. Suddenly I had no problem moving or thinking!

Whilst Mr H did the little boy lost routine, I ran upstairs and threw my clothes into a suitcase. I packed another suitcase with books and personal items and disconnected my computer. I loaded it all into the car and drove the half mile to my parents' house. I parked the car and walked inside.

I sat there for 3 hours and said nothing about what had happened. I made small talk, chit chat, I talked an absolute load of crap, anything to avoid thinking or talking about what I had done.
You see, I had failed and I couldn't bring myself to tell my parents. I couldn't summons the courage to admit what had been happening.
As my dad was walking out of the front door (to go to the pub with Mr H) I called him back. I asked if I could stay the night, told him I'd left Mr H. I didn't offer any more information and he didn't ask any more questions. He took my car keys and emptied my car.

So there I was - a car, two suitcases and a computer.
Back in my old bedroom, with my mum and dad. No-one asking difficult questions, no-one telling me to go back to Mr H.

I slept so well that night. I'd finally done it, I'd left Mr H. I was stronger than I had ever thought I could possibly be. I'd made my choice and there was no going back.

I've got.....

2009-04-02T21:36:00.002+01:00

.... an email saying that I've been selected to attend for interview and that the letter with all the details and information will follow in the post.

I am so excited, the job is one that I would really like - great hours, closer to home, nursery on site and an extra £6000 a year.

Wish me luck!

Letter arrived this morning (Saturday) - my interview is on 17th April, there will be 4 on the panel and I will have to give a ten minute unseen presentation. Am I worried? you can bet your arse I will be!!

Would the real Mrs M please stand up? Part 7

2009-03-29T21:52:00.004+01:00

Refresh yourselves with this if you need to.

Have you ever seen the Young Guns films?

Yoohoo! I'll make you famous!

Stick with me, this is relevant. I love these films and much more I love Emilio Estevez (sp??)

I started a new job on 4th October 1999. I started at 09.00hrs and by 09.30hrs I had met Mr M. I walked onto that ward and there he was, my very own Emilio. I was hooked, he was married.

I had been married for just over two years and I had tried hard to make my marriage work. The more I tried, the less I achieved. Mr H chose to follow a different path than the one I wanted to walk on. He wanted to start a family, he wanted me to give up work, he wanted me to love, honour and obey him.

I just wanted to be loved.

We took several holidays to try to work things out, but seriously how do you stop a drinker from drinking when he doesn't want to stop. How do you change someone that doesn't think they need to change. How do you find the strength to walk away when you have no confidence and your last ounce of self esteem has been knocked from you?

I grew to love my new job and I got to know Mr M. He was my friend - no more - just friends. He was married and had two baby boys. His wife was tall, blonde and gorgeous. How could I compete?
In all honesty though I had no intention of competing. He was married, out of bounds, spoken for. I never once told Mr M that I liked him and I don't think I ever behaved in a way that would have let on either.
I spent the next 9 months focusing on my job and saving like mad. For every £ that Mr H spent on alcohol, I saved into an online account. By July 2000 I had saved quite a few thousand and my marriage was as bad as it had ever been. I was at rock bottom and had accepted that this was to be my life - there would be no way out.

Until I turned up for the 1st day of a two week violence and aggression course and guess who was there?

I spent two weeks rolling around on mats with Mr M (very nice), but more importantly I spent two weeks learning about myself. I was strong, both physically and mentally. I could handle the toughest of work situations, much better than many people. On the last day of the course I made a decision.
Driving home I changed my mind so many times, could I - couldn't I? Should I - shouldn't I?

I arrived home at the same time as Mr H returned from the pub. He asked what was for tea & my reply was.......

...... I don't know, I'm leaving you!

Here comes the rain

2009-03-29T21:21:00.002+01:00

Today marked the start of British Summer Time - let the rain begin!

Seriously though, today has been the most gorgeous of days. This was the view from my window this afternoon and I hope it will look like ths for many months to come (ok, a girl can have dreams...)

Papillon

2009-03-29T21:07:00.006+01:00

We have had 3 of these in our laundry room all winter

I wanted to knock them off, but Mr M would never have forgiven me if I had!

I am so glad that I left them alone as on Wednesday the girls and watched the first one hatch.

Here's the first picture of our newest family member:

The girls were mesmerised the whole time, they both sat there watching for well over an hour! Lola was most upset when I took it to the window to let it fly outside - she thought we were going to keep it in the hutch with the guinea pigs!

I too had a lump in my throat when I let it go.

However, having a 3 year old and an 18 month old demanding we spend the next six hours camped out in the laundry waiting for the other two to hatch has taken the shine off this moment somewhat!

I came clean...

2009-03-23T15:48:00.003Z

well, almost!

I felt really bad yesterday about what I'd done and turned it on myself - how would I feel if she were to do that to me (she probably has, soo many times!!). But being the better woman that I am I decided to come clean.

I told Charlie that his mum had text, but that as I'd picked the phone up to take it out to him, I'd somehow managed to delete the message - ok, don't be too hard on me, that's almost what happened!

I suggested he text her and explain that the message had been deleted before he'd had chance tp read it and ask her to re-send it. She did and this was his reply:-

'Mum - you said thankyou yesterday for your card and flowers, why did you have to send this text when we are at Dad's and Mrs M's?' Needless to say he has heard nothing from her since.

He then turned to me, read out the text she'd sent (which I'd obviously not read the previous day) and stated 'I think that was for your benefit Mrs M!'

I love that boy to bits - he is so switched on to Cruella's little games!

I also got a lovely card from the boys and some chocolates. Woody was so pleased with himself as he'd made me a card at school announcing 'I had to work twice a quick as everyone else Mrs M, I had two cards to make!'

That's my boys!

2009-03-21T20:18:00.002Z

Long story short.....

We've always bought Cruella a Mothers day card and gift with the boys, until Randall complained that we didn't spend enough on her gift last year. So this year we've left it up to him to do.

Also in the past when Mothers Day has fallen on 'our' Sunday, we've always given Cruella the option of keeping the boys until after Lunch on Sunday (instead of us picking them up on the Saturday).This year I asked the boys what they wanted to do & they said they wanted to come here on the Saturday as normal!
So today I picked them up at 1pm and when I asked what they had been doing they said 'We had to go and get some flowers and a card for mum from the Spar shop'. (Classy!!)

We no sooner get home than Charlie gets a txt message from Cruella. Now all the kids were out the back when the message came through and when I saw the 'Text message from mum' I just couldn't resist.
My hands were taken over by this urge to read the message, I had no control over them - honest!
So Cruella was texting to say 'Thankyou for the lovely and unusual flowers, they must have been so expensive - arent I lucky to have two wonderful boys who love me, their mum, so much'

Expensive and unusual - from the Spar shop, really?
Boys who love you so very much? hhmmm, that's why they wanted to come here and not spend mothers day with you then?

So after vomiting and then laughing so much I nearly pee'd myself, I had no option but to delete the message.
Now, I know I shouldn't have read the message and I know I shouldn't have deleted it - but do I feel bad?
Not freaking likely!

I pray for clarity

2009-03-19T13:14:00.003Z

Sometimes I find it really hard to see things with any clarity - you know the 'can't see the woods for the trees' type scenario?
These past couple of weeks have been pretty tough and I have had a huge wake-up call. I had no idea that I was on such a destructive path, that I was so consumed with fear, guilt and anxiety - I wonder how I managed to function for so long.

I managed - no more, no less.

So now my life is in turmoil, I've accepted that I need help and that things are going to have to change around here. I now have to work out how!

Being a healthcare professional you would think that I would be extremely compassionate and understanding of mental health issues?
Wrong!
I am so dismissive of people who have 'trouble coping' or who have 'low mood' or who 'get anxious'. I mock and I judge - my usual piece of advice comes with a huge 'Get A Grip' banner. So imagine my horror when my Dr informed me I have acute Anxiety, with diffused associated depression - WTF??

I have a rational fear of being ill (like last summer), and when I recognise the symptoms, that my risk factors have increased due to work or home stress - I get into a state of anxiety. Rational thinking and common sense go out of the window, sleep becomes a distant memory and I turn into a miserable git.

No fun here because I might (one day) get ill again - see, no logic!

Last week I started night sedation to try to get some unbroken sleep - Mr M can not understand my need for this as he points out 'you are always asleep when I wake up during the night'. What he doesn't get is that I am in bed, trying not to solve the 'yet to occur' problems, trying not to have the 'might happen one day' conversations, trying to get back to freaking sleep! I can say that after two nights of unbroken and restful sleep I can see just how little sleep I have been getting and there is no wonder I look like shit most of the time.
Last week I also started anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication> I'll let you know when they start to kick-in.

I'm hopeful that alongside the counselling (I had session 2 on Tuesday and it wen't ok), the medication will help.

Hopefully within a few weeks things will start to look clearer again, I might start to function as a mum, wife, friend, nurse. I might actually start to enjoy my life again - who knows what a little bit of clarity might lead to?

New tactic needed

2009-03-15T19:44:00.003Z

Cruella still can't tell the time. The boys arrived at 5pm today, after I'd driven at breakneck speed to get home for 4pm.

Did I ever mention just how much I hate that vile creature?

Mumbo Jumbo

2009-03-14T19:20:00.002Z

Lord knows why, but I decided to have a Tarot reading. This lady does not know me at all and prior to the reading we had no verbal dialogue other than pleasant greetings - make of it what you will:-

Your first Card is The moon - which is a major Arcana Card and very important - Moonlight changes things like the apperance of the landscape and often changes colour of the background too. This card signifies you were not seeing something clearly.As this is the first card this refers to the recent past. I read that this means you could have been in a confusing situation.

Ace of Cups is the second card - I like this card infact its one of the best in the deck and it does not surprise me that in your present you have a requirement to move on. This card signifies new beginnings - could be a new relationship (not always linked to the heart) new activities/ new interests or the birth of a child. This card is a joyful card and also can be the sign of abundance. The Ace of cups features a cup running over and so can be linked to money and goods. This card is about your present.

Third card is the wheel of Fortune and is about your future - The wheel of fortune also a very positive card - this card is about stating life consists of change. Difficult situations will change, you will have periods of peace and prosperity. This card shows you have left a phase of your life and moved on. Also it is the card of fate and shows that fate has a hand in your life.

This is the most positive of readings all cards were the right way up and thus why such a possitive reading. I hope its of interest to you and you can draw from it. I am interested that 2 cards seem to linked with prosperity - Lets hope its a lotto win. Its a very positive reading you have two major arcana cards and also an Ace. I would suggest that currently Karma is with you and I wish you all the luck your future seems bright.

Any comments?

what in the world possessed her?

2009-03-13T08:11:00.008Z

My mum and her friend - both well ino their 50's and both more than a few stone over weight have decided to embark on a healthy eating and exercise drive. So as Mum has two replacement knees, two rotator cuff shoulder repairs, osteoporosis, fibromyalgia (sp?) and arthritis - her excercise options are somewhat limited.

Yesterday morning they decided to go here:

But when they got there they saw this:

So in a moment of madness hired a pair of these:

Mum went like this:

Ended up in one of these:

And now has one of these:

Incredible words

2009-03-13T08:01:00.001Z

In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday..
Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older, and, there on television, she said it was 'exciting'.
Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day...like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first.The audience laughed so hard they cried.
She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words!
Maya Angelou said this:
'I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.'
'I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.'
'I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.'
'I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life'
'I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.'
'I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back..'
'I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.'
'I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.'
'I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.'
'I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.'
'I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.'

What, no couch?

2009-03-10T20:24:00.003Z

Today was my first appointment and I was gutted there was no couch!

The session was a bit bizarre to say the least and I'm not really sure how I feel about it all. I talked about loads of stuff :- my job, the kids, Mr M. All pretty mundane things really. These are things that I don't need help with. Or so I thought!

So after today's session I realise that I actually hate my job to the point that it is making me ill, I resent my step-sons for the quality time that they prevent me from spending with Lola and Dora and I find Mr M to be very selfish and not supportive. F*ck - I've got problems!

I didn't make any reference to being Mrs H and to be honest I after the revelation that my life as it is now sucks, I don't know if being Mrs H really is the problem.

Perhaps the water will be a little less murky after a few more sessions? I go back next week .

Belly cast

2009-03-09T15:53:00.003Z

For those ladies who are pregnant or trying to get pregnant (with you all the way Kami, Becky & Holly).
I decided that I wanted something to keep, something to remind me just how special my pregnancy with Lola was. I'm not particularly photogenic - usually look like I'm entering a gurning competition, need dental work or resuscitation! So having a photo gallery was out of the question! I decided to have a belly cast made, but freaked when I say the charges - many were upwards of £300. So being the thrifty Scotswoman I am, I decided to make my own. Here's the pictures:-

I decided to go for a bronzed finish, but I've seen some lovely casts painted with flowers, left white etc. If you are planning on doing one I would offer the following advice:-

Do not google plaster casting - think p*rn with plastered limbs.

Remember to lather yourself with Vaseline - the cast is not too easy to get off without it!

Don't leave it until you are 38 weeks and then try to do it yourself - try being a contortionist with a water melon or two strapped to your abdomen!

Don't even think about answering the door bell mid cast - not easy to explain why you are standing funny, have white stuff dripping down you legs and are holding your dressing gown 3 feet away from your body. The post lady still looks at me funny!

Chunky Monkey

2009-03-09T15:45:00.006Z

I just had to share this picture of Lola as a baby - don't you just love those little fat rolls, calling out to be queezed don't you think?

Mask off - Act over!

2009-03-08T20:04:00.003Z

So I thought I was being so very smart. Using this blog as a venting forum for all the problems I was facing with Cruella. It worked, my free therapy helped me to put things into perspective. It helped me to see what issues were worth fighting for and those that I could laugh off or ignore. Life got better, I put Cruella into the little box marked 'insignificant' and hey-ho I'm cured!
But then something changed.
I don't know what possessed me to write the 'Will the real Mrs M please stand up?' posts. I don't know why after all these years I decided to finally open up the box that had been sealed shut with superglue.
I didn't realise it would hurt so fucking much.

Being on bed rest (I say that tongue in cheek) I have had lots of time to think about being Mrs H. I have also had lots of time to cry about being Mrs H. It sucks. 9 years after leaving my first husband I've taken off my mask. I've given up on the act. I have started to accept that the years that I was Mrs H were totally shitty. I have accepted that I have kept this to myself for reasons I don't yet know, but I do know I didn't want to deal with this. I do now.

In some strange way I'm glad that I've found myself in this position and I thank you for your words of wisdom, encouragement and support. I know that writing the next chapters on here are not going to be enough, but I will write them. I have also made an appointment with a counsellor - my first session is Tuesday. I'll be leaving my mask at home.

Would the real Mrs M please stand up? Part 6

2009-03-06T14:50:00.004Z

When my eldest sister got married (to an absolute arse hole - another post for another day), and it was just her and Dad sat at home waiting for the wedding car, Dad gave her an 'out'. He told her she didn't have to go through with the wedding, she could take her frock off, polish off the Vodka with Dad and leave everyone else to figure out what had happened. She chose to get married.

On the morning of my wedding I knew I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I had spent the entire week trying to work out what I could do to cancel, postpone, vanish.... I knew it would all be ok in the end though. I knew my Dad, my Hero, would make things ok. He would offer me the same 'out' as he had my sister. No reason required - just an 'out'. It never came.
We waited for the wedding car, just Dad and I. he told me how proud he was of me. He told me how much he & Mum adored Mr H - the son they had never had. I cried as he walked me down the aisle. I cried as I saw the faces of my family and friends. I cried when I saw the 4 friends who had stayed at our home on the night of the stag party.
Yet everyone else was so very happy.

I made my vows in front of God and in saying each and every word I made a commitment to make this marriage work, for better or worse. How bloody true those words were.

So there it happened, I became Mrs H.

I worked at being Mrs H for 3 years. The events of the evening of the Stag party were repeated many times - each time I convinced myself it would be the last. Gone was the selfish, naive and conceited young lady and in her place was me, Mrs H. Too proud and ashamed to admit what was happening.

Then I met Mr M.

Would the real Mrs M please stand up? part 5

2009-03-06T14:36:00.003Z

I doesn't seem right leaving that last post without some sort of explaination.

I am not a victim in this in any way, shape or form so forgive me it it seems I am claiming to be. All of my life I have made my own choices, granted they have not always been the right ones, but I've lived by the choices that I've made. Whilst not a victim per say, I was young, naive, conceited and utterly, utterly deluded.

7 days before getting married I made the choice to carry on, to tell no-one, to act like it had never happened. Funnily enough, Mr M made the very same choice. IOt was never mentioned between us - ever. One horrendous incident was not going to spoil everything. We all do things we later live to regret and I honestly believed that the events of that night would never be repeated.

Would the real Mrs M please stand up? Part 4

2009-03-06T12:13:00.003Z

Some people might say that I'm a bit anal about things. I like to think I'm organised.
Planning a huge wedding was a dream come true for me, I was able to indulge in lists, time lines and budgets. The little monster inside of me was able to pop up now and again and I could excuse it as wedding planning stress. People humoured me but to be honest I can say I must have been a nightmare to live and work with.

In the time it took me to plan my big day I fell in love with the idea of getting married and I fell out of love with the man I was marrying. As a couple we became more and more disjointed and towards our wedding day, getting married was the only thing we talked about. Apart from a huge circle of friends, we had nothing else in common. I put it all down to last minute jitters, but in my heart of hearts I knew we should not have been getting married.

I planned my own hen night (yes, I am so anal that I wouldn't let anyone else plan it) and Mr H planned his Stag party. I went for quiet and classy. He hired a whole pub and 3 private strippers - not quiet nor classy as I was to discover when he returned that night.

Mr H had never been stable mentally and at times people admitted to never knowing if he was joking or serious - I maintain to this day he was always deadly serious. Underneath the happy-go-lucky character that was/is Mr H lies something much darker, much more sinister. Something that had only appeared in fleeting moments prior to the night of his stag party.

Mr H and several friends returned from his stag party, the mood was eerily sedate. Whilst his friends were very intoxicated, Mr H appeared strangely sober. He was angry but trying not to show it. I made the mistake of asking about the evenings events. I made the mistake of ranting at him when his friends revealed there had been strippers at the party. I made the mistake of laughing at him when his friends revealed some of the details of the evening - as the 'stag' the strippers had teased and ridiculed Mr H in front of all of his friends, that's why he was angry.

We argued and his friends went to bed, obviously embarrassed and uncomfortable with the sitaution.

I'd always thought of myself as being the dominant one in our relationship. I'd always seen myself as better than Mr M. I was the academic one, I was the one bringing in the money, paying the bills, buying nice clothes, holidays. I felt very secure in my position of matriarch and if I'm honest I'd used this to keep Mr H in his place, to control him. At the time I didn't see it like that, I just thought I deserved a bit of respect and that he should show some gratitude. Remember that I was naive and conceited.

When we argued I had no hesitation in pointing out all of this toMr H and his shortcoming.
I guess that night I over stepped the mark, pushed all the wrong buttons.
That night everything changed.

I learned that Mr H was not the man I thought he was, nor was I the strong and independent woman I thought I was.

I was beaten and violated in ways that no person should ever be. Everything that was me and mine was taken from me that night, those few hours destroyed everything sacred and precious. In my own home, with the man I was about to marry, with four of his friends upstairs.

In the morning nothing was said, by anyone - yet each and every one of us knew what had happened.
Life carried on.
I was getting married in 7 days.

Feeling very sorry for myself

2009-03-05T09:03:00.005Z

Last summer I was diagnosed with Erythema Nodosum (sound like a Harry Potter spell don't you think?).

After 3 months of agonising pain I was given the correct treatment. I had a mild outbreak again in November, I started treatment right away and within a week the symptoms were gone.

I've felt quite low for a week or two - both mentally and physically - then on Tuesday it hit. My joints are burning and feel fused. My shins hurt like the worst shin splints ever, getting up in the morning is a battle. If it wasn't so painful it would be funny watching me trying to change Dora or fasten Lola's shoes - imagine baby Giraffe trying to stand up for the first time.......

So I'm back on the steroids and Zinc bandages (oh, the smell) and hope that they are effective.
I hate feeling like this.

Oh and I forgot to mention that I'm on total bed rest - I love a doctor with a sense of humour!

When the big hand

2009-03-03T19:34:00.003Z

points to the twelve and the little hand points to the four - it's four o'clock. The time that you Cruella, should drop the boys off. Not 4.30pm, 5pm or even 5.30pm. It's 4pm!

So what part of this exactly don't you understand? The original order states 6pm, but you couldn't be bothered to feed the boys a cooked meal, so you concocted some story about having to take Randall's kids home and you didn't want to have to go out twice - they live around the corner from you for freaks sake!!

Anyway, being the decent and responsible parents that we are, we negotiated 4pm at your request. Every other week I cook our Sunday lunch at tea time and to be honest I'm sick of it being ruined waiting for you to get off your fat, lazy arse and bring the boys.

How about you try to get here at 4pm next week?

Would the real Mrs M please stand up? Part 3

2009-03-02T22:40:00.003Z

Becoming Mrs H.

The last part of my previous post wasn't quite true - I didn't meet Mr H when I was 14. I met Mr H when I was 11, I became his girlfriend when I was 14.

Mr H loved school, just as much as I hated it. Where he failed, I excelled. He was loud, funny and popular, I wasn't. When he asked me to the youth club disco, I accepted.
Things hadn't been good at home, my parents were suffering from depression after my sisters had lied to them, stolen from them and their friends, refused all offers of help (this still makes me laugh. My parents had no money, yet they were prepared to take out a loan to pay for my sisters to go into a detox programme - which they refused) and ended up in prison.
My parents still functioned in the sense that they got up every morning, they went to work, they cooked meals. But they didn't seem interested in us as a family anymore. I guess they felt somehow responsible and vulnerable - perhaps they thought I would hurt them in the same way?

Anyway, given the situation at home and the fact that at 14 I still hadn't started puberty, was not pretty, did not have long blonde hair, did wear second hand clothes - I decided that Mr H (also 14) was a pretty good catch. The fact that he too was no oil painting (buck teeth and acne) and he didn't come from a rich family and was not the star of the school football team made him all the more appealing to me - I'd have no competition.

Funnily enough we were good together. Everyone loved Mr H and in time they loved me too. Don't get me wrong, we were never the golden couple, but In Mr H I had found a family again, his parents and sisters were amazing.
The years passed and I continued to be Mr H's Girlfriend. He left school at 16 - to become an apprentice milk man (if you knew him you would be laughing too). I continued with school, applied to university and was given an unconditional offer to study forensic science. I had ambition, I wanted a better future for myself than my parents had had - Mr H didn't. I had a choice to make and I made it. I left school 3 weeks before I was due to sit my A levels - My parents were devastated, I felt very grown up.

My first job was as an apprentice Butcher - I became vegetarian. I left the butchers and I became a carer. Mr H and I bought our first (and only) home when we were almost 19years old. We took a mortgage for £19K and committed to paying it back at £96 per month. He left his job the day we signed for our mortgage.

I applied to university to study Nursing and was accepted. I started the course a year later. Mr H still had no job, so I worked 4 jobs and studied on a full time course. Again, I made a conscious choice. I could have walked away, we could have managed without me working so much, but to be honest it suited me. I liked having a nice home, with brand new thing in - bought and paid for in full - I strove to reject everything about my childhood. I became a snob.
I only wore designer clothes, my shoes cost more than my dad earned in a week. We had 3 to 4 foreign holidays a year. I bought my food from Marks and Sparks and took greatest pleasure in rubbing my parents' nose in all of this at any given opportunity. You see I had made a choice - never to be like them. I didn't think that their lives and what they had achieved was worth anything, I only saw their failings. I now know that they had never failed, it was us, their children that they fought tooth and nail for, who failed them.

I wanted to do things right. I wanted a good job, a nice house, nice clothes, new car.... I wanted my parents to be proud of me, but more importantly I wanted them to envy everything I had achieved. Naive and conceited - not a good combination.

Mr H and I decided to get married - no big proposal, we just decided. Of course it would be the biggest affair our village had seen. I was 20yrs old and planning the biggest day of my life. There would be no expense spared. I didn't expect my parents to pay for my wedding - by this point they were paying for the huge debts racked up by my sisters - when they offered to pay 1/3 of the cost I let them, after adding a few extras. You can add selfish to my list of personality traits.

Not everything in the garden was rosy. Cracks had started to open up in my relationship with Mr H. He was a drinker and as he didn't have a job he had plenty of time to drink. Don't get me wrong, it kind of suited me this way. He had his life and I had mine. I was earning good money and as long as he had a few bob for a couple of pints he was happy. But with the drinking came the depression and the anger. As I was to discover on the night of his Stag party.

The colour Purple

2009-03-02T19:53:00.000Z

Your Blog Should Be Purple

You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything.

You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey.

You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

Would the real Mrs M please stand up? Part 2

2009-02-28T20:55:00.003Z

Where did I get to in my quest for cleansing and disclosure?

Probably somewhere round about my 8th birthday I realised that my parents were not as financially stable as those of many of my friends. They couldn't afford to buy the pony that I would pray for every night. The very pony that I dreamt of so vividly that one morning I woke up so excited as I truly believed they had bought it for me - many of you may not realise just how much an 8 year old can cry in 24 hours!
What I didn't realise was that my father had joined one of the largest trade union disputes of the century, he didn't work for over a year.
We had no money.
Full stop!
I didn't understand the strange words that would fly between my parents, I didn't understand the embarrassment my mum faced when she couldn't pay the shopping bill at the checkout and had to select items to return. I didn't understand when my Dad cried the day he returned to work - defeated - I just thought he would miss being at home with us.
From my point of view it wasn't so bad, I got to pick loads of new clothes from the clothes mountain donated from all over the country. I got to go to the soup kitchen every day for my meals and even got free meals at school - although I had to deal with the stigma of having a yellow free meal disk, but hey, I've never been too proud!. My parents were still fantastic and to be honest I loved having Mum and Dad at home to play with, rather than Dad being at work 12 hours a day, every day.

I suppose the rest of these early years were none eventful, I never broke any bones, I never suffered from any childhood illnesses, my parents didn't divorce. I might not have had everything I ever wanted, but in all honesty I had everything I ever needed.

Then Mum got poorly.

She didn't want to be involved with us girls anymore, she didn't want to teach us to sew, bake, knit, cook. In fact I don't think she could stand to have us around at all. Dad didn't escape her wrath either - but like the gentleman he is he stuck by her.
We (my sisters much more than I) on the other hand suffered the verbal and physical abuse she threw at us daily. My mum was gone and in her place was someone I didn't like much. I didn't know that she was suffering from mental illness, that she didn't know what she was doing when she hit us, swore at us, dragged us round with our hair. Thankfully, my Dad, my Mr Fantastic soon realised that she needed help. Mum had a couple of hospital admissions, surgery and medication. She didn't go back to being the Mum I loved - but I now wonder if she did, but I just didn't let her.

I honestly think this is where it all went down hill. I don't blame Mum for anything - I did, for a long time but not now.

My eldest sister had a child when she was just 17 and he came to live with Mum, Dad and me, whilst both my sisters went into self destruct mode. For the next 5 years they lived a life of crime and drugs stuck in the vicious circle so familiar with so many families. I was left at home practically raising my nephew (whom I adore).
This was the time that I met Mr H - I was 14 years old and had just made the biggest mistake of my life.

Would the real Mrs M please stand up?

2009-02-24T21:00:00.005Z

I guess I don't really know what my Blogs all about anymore. I started at a time when I was having great difficulty dealing with Cruella. I needed an outlet. I needed people to understand me. I needed to realise that she was insignificant and I needed to move on.
Looking back on my posts, I honestly think I've come some way to achieving what I needed to do, so I guess now is the time to consider 'where do I go from here?'

I have been fortunate to have had quite a few of you stumble on my blog (whichever search term you used you are welcome) and many have stuck around - you guys keep me grounded with your comments.
I feel that before I can move forward I need to go back. I feel like there is so much about me that you don't know (much of it you wouldn't want to know) and I suppose in a form of cyber cleansing and in keeping with this free therapy, I should enlighten you, so here goes:-

I was born in 1976 and have two elder sisters. My eldest sister was born when my parents were just 15 and 16 yrs old - not the done thing in rural Scotland in 1971. My father remained at school, then college - he sat his final exam the night I was born, he missed my birth. He passed the exam with flying colours. My Mum is the youngest daughter in a family of 7 - her father fought in the D Day landings during the second world war -he was one of the lucky ones who returned from war, but died in 1972. I never met my Grandfather.

My Godfather is a priest, he was my fathers best friend and became disillusioned with the church - he has been a missionary in Africa since 1982. I don't know my Godmother. (I am thankful every day for my girls' Godparents - Trixi I love you hon)

I was early to walk (7 1/2 months) and was talking in sentences by 18 months. I started school aged 4 in a baby size 5G shoe (Dora wears the same size now at 17 months). My 'nickname' as a child was Titch because I was so small. I excelled at school, yet hated every minute of it.

My clothes were always pre-worn by my sisters or best friend Kelly- it was first up, best dressed in our house. I can't ever remember having new clothes bought for me (I'm sure I must have) but I can remember my Mum sitting up till all hours sewing and knitting. We were always clean and well presented. I was jealous that my friend had every material possession a girl could ever ask for. She was jealous that I had fantastic parents who loved us to bits and spent time with us - not knocking ten bells out of each other!

One of my earliest childhood memories is sitting with my Father, on his knee, both reading our library books, I think I must have been about 4. Every Monday we would walk to the library to exchange our books, I thought my Father was so fantastic as he was able to borrow 4 at a time. I loved the little manilla library token and was so very proud to have been trusted with it. I continued to go the the library with my father until I left home at 18, by which point I too had 4 little manilla tokens.

Every year my parents saved to take us on holiday, we had 7 days of living like kings - the rest of the month it was Egg and chips and hiding behind the sofa when the shop-a-cheque lady knocked on the door! My parents were strict, they had strong morals and principles. They both have an amazing sense of what is right and wrong - I feel blessed that they instilled these in me - although as an 8 year old I would much have rather have had the material possessions!

Part two to follow....

Search terms

2009-02-22T15:15:00.002Z

I decided to see how people had stumbled upon my blog. Like evry Blogger Nerd I have signed up to a Stat counter which logs any search terms used. So here are the most popular searches - looks like there are some disappointed pervs out there:-

Human Milk Machine
Woman Milk Machine
"Huge" Breasts on Milk Machine
Size 12 Arse
Wife on Milk Machine
Different size arses
Milk Machine on Human

So there you have it!

Wooka Fadooka

2009-02-22T13:20:00.004Z

Whilst we were in London with Charlie and Woody, we bought the girls a couple of small gifts. One of the gifts we bought them was a flashing rubber ball from the Science Museum. Not wanting to spoil the surprise, Mr M told Lola that we'd bought her a gift but wouldn't tell her what it was.

That girl is so like her Mummy - she can't stand the suspense of surprises and it was driving her potty trying to guess what we'd bought her. Feeling her pain, I told her we'd bought her a 'Rooka Madooka' and for the rest of the journey home from Granny's she was quite happy.

When we got home she tore into the wrapping a proudly announced 'Look Dora - a Wooka Fadooka!' We laughed so hard as we thought she had 'got' the joke - hell no,that girl is so damn proud of her Wooka Fadooka she even insisted on showing the post lady!

*Don't ask who tried to take a picture of it flashing - doh!!!

Young boys stink!

2009-02-21T21:59:00.004Z

I know its a wide statement, but its true -young boys stink!

Woody had a friend round today and with all 3 boys in the bedroom I needed a respirator just to enter. Now its a known fact that farts just ooze from Charlie, if there is ever a stray smell - its one of Charlies to be sure (and he probably doesn't realise its his!!)
But today, well - I'd put a years salary on it that they'd all been sitting there squeezing out farts to see who could be the most putrid without actually following through and to top it all off............................

...................................They were sat on the pile of clothes that I'd washed, ironed an laid on their bed last night - so now they stink too and are back in the laundry basket.

I usually find farting highly amusing, but today was one fart too many for this mummy!!

Forgotten something boys?

2009-02-19T21:36:00.004Z

Selfish little buggers!

After spending a couple of days in London, doing exactly what the boys wanted to do - and fitting in a bit of shopping ;) - we the had a day out with all 4 kids at the aquarium. Again the boys got to do what they wanted to do and we dropped them off with Cruella at 5pm tonight - yes, we ran the gauntlet and took them back a day late (another story for another day).

So we dropped them off - fed, watered, new clothes, new trainers, new gadgets and souvenirs and guess what?

Not a thank you from either of them - I could have wrung their little necks, the selfish little buggers! We have given up precious time with the girls, to spend quality time with the boys. We have bought them exactly what they wanted and they just took, took, took.

I love my boys, but god do they P me off sometimes!

Home

2009-02-18T19:33:00.001Z

Loved it!

Will post some pictures soon. Off to bed - I'm cream crackered!!

So excited!

2009-02-15T21:07:00.003Z

It's half-term and we should have been taking the kids skiing here:-

Until Cruella threw in one of these:-

So we are off here instead!

I'm so excited, the thought of shopping in London is much nicer than the prospect of spending the week on my backside, half way up a mountain!

Will post some pictures when I get back.

Pass me the brown paper bag

2009-02-14T13:12:00.003Z

I would like to issue a full apology to anyone who has had to live, work or come into contact with me in the last 5 days.

I'm sorry that i've been totally and utterly vile. I'm sorry that I am so bloated I look 5 months pregnant. I'm sorry that I have so many spots, you could play dot-to-dot. I'm sorry my hair has been so greasy that I could cook a full fry up on it.

Why? Because I have been suffering from the worst PMT symptoms I have ever had and I don't get PMT - ever!
So, just pass me the brown paper bag - I'll pop it over my head and keep it there until it's all over!

Toxic Friend part 2

2009-02-11T21:47:00.003Z

Remember this?

Today was the day that I'd arranged to meet Mavis. We were supposed to meet at a neutral location, where the kids could play and we could have a natter. Unfortunately I had to pick Lola and Dora up from Nursery later than planned, so I couldn't make the arranged time.
I contacted Mavis and explained the situation and suggested that I just call into her house for a quick coffee and catch up instead.

Talk about lead balloon - the idea was a complete non-starter.

Mavis made every excuse possible to prevent the girls and I from going to her home and I have no idea why. So as it stands, we didn't meet up and we have made no plans for getting together at a later date. Perhaps my suggestion to invade her home was the final straw - maybe she thought I would have expected her to run around after the girls and I, and cook us all tea?

Funny how things can suddenly change when you move the goal posts I know what tactic to employ if any future contact is made...... 'Of course we'd love to see you Mavis, how about the girls and I come to yours for the day next week?'

I've been tagged!

2009-02-09T19:39:00.004Z

I've been tagged by Shannon - check out her entry, I'm sure we all know someone who fits that description!

Here are the rules of the tag:

1. Grab the nearest book.

2. Open to page 56.

3. Find the fifth sentence.

4. Post the text of the next 2 to 5 sentences, along with these rules.

5. Don't dig for your favorite book, the cool book, or the intellectual book. Pick the CLOSEST!

6. Tag five (or more) other people to do the same!

So here's my words of wisdom from 'the dice man' by Luke Rhinehart:-

'We could have our first social project by changing husbands for a week,' said Arlene.

'Neither of us would notice any difference,' Lil said.

So there you have it - nothing intellectual I'm afraid!

Grab your books Ladies, you've been tagged too:-

Kami

Minnie

Smirking Cat

Just Me

Two Moms with a plan

F*cked Off!!

2009-02-08T16:20:00.002Z

Sometimes I think Cruella is right I am no more than a cook, cleaner, bank and babysitter to the boys.
A few weeks ago Charlie asked me to help him with his homework, he had to complete his family tree and replace each family member with a celebrity (not sure if I blogged about it or not). Anyway I helped him and a few hours later he had a (tactfully) completed family tree - not easy when there are two of everything!

The plan was that he than had to complete his family tree, from the one we did , in German - so he would cut out the celebrity pictures one by one from the homework and complete the German version in class time.

When sorting his bag out this weekend, I noticed he'd had the completed version marked returned to him. Feeling really excited as we'd put so much work into it I was so pleased he'd been given an A grading......Until I noticed that every other member of his family was there just as we'd arranged it - everyone except for me!!

I asked Charlie why he had left me off and he replied 'Oh, did I? I guess I must have forgotten about you!'.

So, I excused myself before I blew a gasket!

I just can't believe him sometimes. He's 12 years old and his parents have been separated since he was 3. He remembers who I am when he needs help with something, when he needs driving somewhere, when he needs something bought for him - but I obviously sit way under his radar when he thinks about his 'family'.

You know what - I'm off to have a pity party all by myself. 6 miles on the treadmill with my I*pod should just about calm me down enough to be able to cook him tea without saying something I may later regret.

A day of kidisms

2009-02-04T19:42:00.003Z

Lola has been on top form today - perhaps it's all the chocolate she has eaten (see previous post).

Just before bath time she walked into the kitchen (yes - I do live in there!), with her hand held out.

Lola - Will you put some Tomato sauce on my hand please Mummy?

Me - Why?

Lola - Because if you do I can become a sandwich.

Me - ???

Lola - Please Mummy, let me be a sandwich

Me - If I were to do that Lola, What type of sandwich would you be?

Lola (looking at me very strangely) - A Lola Sandwich!?
Stupid me, I anticipated the answer to be cheese or ham!!

Oh, and I didn't put the tomato sauce on her hand, I managed to redirect her with chocolates - Cheers Cruella, you saved my ass twice in one day (see comment on previous post!)

Anyone for chocolate?

2009-02-04T14:21:00.004Z

I thought I'd Blogged about our dilemma with Cruella's Christmas present, but looking back it seems I cut her some slack - must have been having a good day!

Each and every year, we have bought Cruella a Christmas gift from the boys. We've always bought something nice and a lot of thought has usually gone into the gifts. When she hooked up with Randall and his two children we decided to buy them a shared 'family' gift from all of us. Again we have always bought a nice gift and for the past couple of years they have bought us something - just a token gift for all of us, but it was something.

This year we decided that due to Cruella's behaviour, she was getting sweet F.A from us. However, we agreed that we would pay for a token gift for her from the boys. I took Charlie shopping and he chose a lovely triple box of fudge from Thorntons for Cruella and Randall and a small novelty chocolate gift each for Randalls children. I took great delight in wrapping them and writing the gift tags - which although said 'From Charlie and Woody' -she would know it was me who had bought them!

We did not expect anything in return as I'm sure she would have rather have poked her own eyes out than buy a gift for us!

To our surprise the boys arrived on Christmas eve with a tub of chocolates stuffed into a carrier bag, with a tag on saying to Mr M, Mrs M, Lola and Dora. Mr M and I were very surprised, but in the spirit of Christmas we thanked the boys and put the chocolates to one side.

Fast forward to today. I decided it was about time I had a sort out and had discussed taking our unopened tubs and boxes of chocolates to the girls' nursery. We have 3 large unopened boxes - including the one from Cruella.

So as I sort them out I look at the tub from Cruella and something twigs. The seal doesn't look quite right and on closer inspection I can see that she has used selotape and a piece of red paper (to look like the seal) to close the tub. As I took the selotape off, the lid lifted off and inside the tub mixed in with the chocolates, were loads of wrappers!

Can you believe it - she had no intention of buying Mr M anything from the boys and was obviously shamed into sealing up a half eaten tub of chocolates for them to give to us at the last minute.

Rather than feeling angry and cheated, the fudge set we bought was lovely and the boys told us that she ate nearly all of it in one go - wide load coming through, I have laughed so much this morning and Lola and Dora have had a field day with the remaining chocolates.

We need food!

2009-02-04T13:24:00.002Z

Lola came to the kitchen this morning, about 40 minutes after breakfast. As she stood there hand in hand with Dora (too cute) this is the conversation that followed:-

Me - Hi girls are you ok?

Lola - No Mummy, we are hungry.

Me - Really? You've only just had breakfast.

Lola - I know, but we are ready for our lunch.

Me - Are you hungry too Dora?

Dora - Nods her head and signs 'To eat'

Me - Oh, Ok. Just let me finish cleaning up then I'll make you something to eat.

Lola - Come on Dora, we might as well go and play, Mummy's going to let us starve!

WTF? She's 3!!

STUNG!

2009-02-03T10:01:00.005Z

We had snow yesterday - the worst snow fall England has seen in about 18 years. We had about 2" !!! But being in England, 2" of snow fall equates to chaos and everything grinding to a halt (it's the same if we have more that a day of rain, or a day of warm sun...)

Yesterday I braved the roads and drove the 26 miles to work, this morning I went out to the car to go home from work and f*ck, I have a flat tyre - not just missing a bit of air, I'm talking pancake freaking flat - with a huge nail stuck in it!

So I managed to pump it up enough to drive it to the local Quick Fit tyre company and like everything else right now....... it's not only one tyre that's had it - it's not two or even three tyres that are past it - it's all bloody four of them!

So whilst I value being safe and legal, I'm sat waiting in the reception area, gutted that I've just been stung for £270!! OUCH!

Looks like it's home colouring for me ;(

Grumpy, skint and cold Mrs M x

I'm sticking two fingers up to natural!

2009-02-03T01:02:00.003Z

I have brown hair - not dark brown, not light brown - just brown.

It's not always been brown, if you were to get one of those paint colour charts from the DIY shop I could probably tick off most colours!
After being quite ill this last summer and taking the plunge on a very short hair style - I decided it was time to see the real me - it's been so long that I actually forgot what my natural colour was!

So from hair cut, to semi permanent colour (to allow any remaining peroxide to grow out - no I wasn't a bottle blond) to wash in wash out, I have finally managed to grow out all the dyed hair and I'm left au natural.

Well actually that's not quite true.

I have more white hair than an albino person (no offense to any albino person intended). Not only are they white hairs (not grey), they are super thick and grow at opposite angles to the rest of my hair! Yes, they do - honest. So I now have some brown (just brown) hair and lots of WHITE wires sticking out at impossible angles - that refuse to be hidden by soft, fine brown (just brown) hairs!

So ladies, I'm sticking two fingers up to natural - I'm 30 freaking 2 and flatly refuse to accept the intruder white hairs. Not now, not ever!!

Oh - i have decided that plucking them out with tweezers probably wasn't the best idea I ever had!!!

Off to make a hair appointment - home colouring is another story for another day!

Smirking Cat

2009-02-02T08:50:00.001Z

Smirking Cat has hit the nail on the head with this post.

For all step-mum's, second wives or anyone who knows a woman like Cruella - check it out!

Cheers Smirking Cat - you really made me laugh!!

Freaking Fantastic

2009-01-29T09:32:00.004Z

I can safely say that the last few years at work have been hell. I've been used as a trouble shooter, being sent into areas that had major problems to 'sort' them out. I don't think I've done a bad job on the whole, but I know there are some areas that I could have improved upon (no I'm not perfect!!).
If I said that I didn't get fed up with having a reputation for being a 'sorter' I'd be lying. Just for once I'd quite like to have an easy job, I'd like to get to hide under the radar instead of constantly being in the spotlight.
In my experience I have been given the recoignition for some great work that I've done, but all too often I've been criticised for the little things that I've not done quite so well, or the very rare occassions that I've not been on par.

So this last year I have slogged my guts out, I have been managing an area that has been in complete crisis - to say it was a shit tip is an understatement! I had several months sick leave in the summer and since September have been working reduced hours - so things haven't progressed as smoothly or as quickly as I had hoped and yes, I have been criticised by management for not performing as they had expected. What do they want - blood?

Now, the area I manage is very high profile and had so many issues it seemed like an impossible task had been given to me. Given the issues that have arisen, every man and his dog has had a piece of my area.
Yesterday I had a visit from a member of the management board. She put me through my paces and wanted to know the ins and outs of everything I have done since taking up the post last year. She not only wanted to know, she wanted to see - everything. If I say I was nervous, I'd be lying - I was petrified!
However, at the end of her visit, she turned to my boss and I will quote what she said:-

'Where does someone like Mrs M get her knowledge and skill from?, This remarkable young lady has demonstrated today (and over the last year) that she practices at a level so high I'm sure no University has it on their curicculum!'
She then added:- 'Myself and the board have had our concerns regarding this area and we have been preparing ourselves for the fall out that was expected by all, however after today I can go back to them and tell them that there are no worries, there will be no fall out. For that, young lady, I commend you'.

So there you have it, Officially- I'm Freaking Fantastic!