Ever decreasing circles......

Where do I begin? I suppose with an apology for being such a terrible blogger! I have been reading all of the blogs which I follow, just not blogging myself.
However I just need to get this post out, it's been going round and round in my head for so long - Minnie I'm back for some free therapy!

I guess it would be worth going back to this to get where I am coming from.....................................

I didn't see or hear from the boys until the end of November, over 8 weeks from the date Mr M went away. When I did eventually get a text message from Charlie asking if they could come to stay for the night I was elated, I didn't ask any questions I just arranged a time and date to pick them up.
The boys arrived the weekend of Lola's 4th Birthday - it was the best present anyone could have given her - short of Daddy coming home, that is. The first few hours were pure bliss, the house was filled with noise and the sound of laughter was music to my ears. The children put up the Christmas tree and life was almost normal, for a while.
It wasn't all about Lola though as it was only a few days until Charlie's birthday - so he was equally excited to receive his birthday gifts from us and my family, after which the mood certainly started to change........
The boys were getting less tolerant of the girls wanting to spend every minute with them and they were pre-occupied with their new mobile phones that Cruella had purchased them (2 days after me topping their old phones up with £45 worth of talk time!!). After putting the girls to bed that night I asked the boys if they wanted to watch a film or play a board game. They didn't want to, but they did want me to do something for them.

Let me back track a little, mid way through 2009 I started my own photography business and I have been building this up gradually. I'm not brilliant, but I have taken some lovely portraits and have covered 2 weddings which I was very proud of.

The boys wanted me to take some portraits of them for them to give to Cruella and Randall as Christmas presents. Even though my alarm bells were starting to tinkle, I set up my home studio and worked my magic on the boys, after which they said goodnight and went up to their room. At breakfast the next morning I asked them if they wanted to go shopping for some frames then we could go to lunch, as I wasn't taking them back until 4pm. They exchanged looks and said they wouldn't have time as Cruella was picking them up before lunch, they would get the portraits at some point before Christmas. Next Charlie pulled a piece of A4 paper out of his pocket and as he opened it I instantly recognised Cruella's scrawl. When I asked him what was on the paper he just handed it to me. I was totally caught off guard as I read the list (complete with hand drawn check boxes) that Cruella had written. It was all the items that they boys were to take back to her house from ours. All items that I had bought and paid for.

• New school blazer with ipod controls
• New size 5 black trainers (both pairs)
• Charlie's walking boots
• Woody's walking shoes
• Woody's DS games
• Charlie's School coat
• A coat for Woody to wear to school
• Any jeans that fit
• Any T shirts that fit
• Any hooded sweaters that fit
• PE kit and football boots (size 5) for Charlie

Believe it or not, but it was mid December and neither boy had had a coat to wear for school! I explained to the boys that they could take the stuff on the list, but it would be up to them to look after everything and ensure they returned anything they would need when they were here, as I would not be replacing anything if they decided to take it to Cruella's. They took everything!

Fast forward to the 19th December - Umpteen voice mails, text messages and emails all un replied to - and I get a text message from Charlie asking if they could come on the 20th overnight. Again I didn't ask any questions, I just agreed to collect them at 9am the next morning.

9 am on the dot and the boys bounce into the car, wanting to know if their portraits were ready! We got home and the girls were so excited to have the boys here, they were talking about Father Christmas coming and what gifts they would like to get. The boys asked if they could have their gifts before they went back to Cruella's. I was more than a little taken aback, but composed myself and explained that the girls would only be getting 'token' gifts on Christmas day and that we would be having our full family Christmas when Mr M returns (they already knew this as we had spoken about it in details before Mr M went away. Charlie didn't seem too bothered, but Woody's face was tripping him! He didn't seem to understand that whilst he would be getting gifts from Cruella and her family, the girls would have to have a few things from me or they would have nothing to open on Christmas morning - as my family and (the few that bother from Mr M's family) were not exchanging gifts until Mr M comes home.

Although neither boy was pleased with my response, we got through the next 24 hours without any major fall outs. The next day I took them back to Cruella's - with their portraits mounted, framed and wrapped. 3 for Cruella and Randall and one for Cruella's parents. We didn't even get a Christmas card, neither did Mr M - but that's boys for you eh?


We phone, we text, we email - Christmas day, Boxing day, New Years day, the day it snows and we build a snow man, the day I get the official date of Mr M's return, the details of our plans for our Christmas day, the dates of our trip to a very special holiday place. We hear nothing from either boy. Lola is beside herself - I don't know what to say. Mr M is non the wiser as they have never written to him whilst he's been away - despite me sending them stamped addressed envelopes!

Last week I get a text message from Charlie:-

'Mum's booked our holiday for the same dates as your in the summer - going with mum. Got plans for the date that you've arranged Christmas for - won't be coming. Not bothered about seeing Dad when he gets back - just ask him to ring Mum to arrange a pick up time for when we go to the very special holiday place. Charlie.'


Heartbroken. Angry. Confused. Suspicious. You bet your backside I was! I gave it a few hours to let the content of the message sink in, then I tried ringing Charlie, then Woody, then the house phone - no answer from either. So I replied with the following:-

'Hi mate, Dad will be really upset that you won't be celebrating Christmas with us, is there nothing you can do to rearrange? He has missed you just as much as the girls and I have. I can't understand why you are not planning on seeing Dad when he gets home. Give me a ring and we can try to sort something out. Love Mrs M x '

I left it several days and still I heard nothing. By this point I had come up with every excuse for their behaviour whilst Mr M has been away. I've had Cruella brainwashing them, raging hormones, peer pressure, not wanting to 'put me and the girls out'.......... but I can't find an excuse that I truly can believe. I sent my final message on Friday:-

'Charlie & Woody, You didn't reply to my last message - is everything ok? Dad will be ringing you this weekend, I've not told him about the content of your last text, I ask that neither of you mention it as it's unfair whilst he is still out there. He will be home on *****, Please call him when he gets back. Until you have spoken to him I won't book our holiday to the very special holiday place. Take care, Love Mrs M x'

I've heard nothing from either of them.

I'm still so angry. I'm angry with Cruella for encouraging/allowing the boys to treat us so terribly. I'm angry with myself for daring to expect more. I'm disappointed with the boys for thinking they can get maximum gain from minimum effort - We certainly didn't raise them this way!


I know that our little family has been ripped apart, I know it will never go back to being how it was.
I'm just hoping that I am strong enough to support Mr M and the girls through the rough ride that I know is only just starting. The last 4 1/2 months will seem like a breeze in comparison.

Not my best idea!

I guess you have all been stuck in that endless queue of traffic, where it takes you 10 minutes to move 10 meters?

The very same queue of traffic that you sit in for almost an hour, whilst watching a steady stream of cars take the right filter lane and turn off into moving traffic.

That very same queue that always occurs when you only know that road to get you to your destination.

Today I was stuck in one of those queues, on one of those roads, watching that steady stream of traffic turn off in the right filter lane..............

Assuming that said cars were taking a short cut - obviously they were all heading towards my destination as we'd been on the same road - right? - I decided to take the right filter lane and followed the car in front.

We turned left, then right, then right, then left, straight over the roundabout, into a housing estate (you get the picture?).

My feelings of smugness at having found a way to beat the queue of traffic soon subsided when the car I had been following pulled onto a driveway and the driver got out and went into the house.

Shit - I was lost!!

My short cut resulted in me spending the next 30 minutes trying to navigate my way out of the housing estate, only to rejoin the queue of traffic further up the road from the point where I had taken the right filter lane 30 minutes earlier.

If that wasn't bad enough, my Dad couldn't hold his laughter when he asked me why I'd not used the Sat Nav. I wasn't even bright enough to lie and say that I didn't have it in the car with me!!

The moral of the take - never assume!!

Torn

"We pish you a merry kissmas, we piss you a merry kissmas, we piss you a merry kissmas and a papy new ear"

Sung very loundly by Dora at 22.30hrs last night.

I didn't know whether to:-

1) Ignore her and hope she would eventually drop off to sleep

2) Enter her bedroom and tell her to stop singing and to go to sleep

3) Enter her bedroom and teach her to sing it properly


I opted for 3 - only to be told:-

"No Mummy, you are wrong. This is how we sing it at my nursery"

I think I need to go to next weeks sing & sign session - I'd love to see the Makaton signs for that one!!

I then opted for 2!!!

Wound up, button pushed, now spinning!

My 3 year old is driving me insane!

Let me rewind.............. Lola is a child of habit. She thrives on routine, structure and boundaries. She really does not cope well with change, don't get me wrong she is adaptable in many areas - but when it comes to home life, keeping the status quo with Lola is a must!

7 weeks without Mr M and boys, of running all over the place juggling work and nursery, 7 weeks of very early starts and extremely late finishes has taken its toll on all of us.

I love my girls, but right now I really do not like Lola very much. More specifically I really do not like the constant whinging, the persistent demanding, the stubborn defiance she displays at every request I make.

I'm at breaking point tonight, I just want my husband home, my boys back and my little girl to behave!

toothless

Someone certainly is!

Let me start at the beginning....

I was on the telephone to my friend A earlier this evening. We were having such a laugh at her youngest son -who had lost a tooth and became most disgruntled when the tooth fairy forgot to pay him a visit. He was so unhappy that he decidid th write to said tooth fairy to tedll her exactly what he thought of her tooth collecting ability. It really was comical - especially given that this child is such a serious little boy, who thinks everything through.

Anyway, I end the call and walk into the kitchen to be greated by................................................


.................................... A huge great Molar sitting in the middle of the floor!

When I say a huge great molar, I actually mean a regular sized molar, but for effect I changed the description!

Picture me, tongue rapidly checking that I have all of my teeth (yes, you'd have thought I would have known if I'd lost one without having to check!), me holding the girls almost upside down and checking that they had not lost a tooth - which neither of them had.

So I'm stumped. I have no idea where the tooth came from or how it got to be on my kitchen floor. But wanted to share my little bit of spookyness with you all!

Answers on a postcard please!

Rejected and angry

It has been four weeks since the boys said goodbye to Mr M.

It has been four weeks since I dropped them off at school and said 'see you soon'.

I've had no contact with the boys since this day and my heart is truly breaking.

Never in the last 9 years have I gone longer than 2 weeks without seeing them. They have been a constant part of my life and I a constant part of theirs.
Lola is in a bit of a state emotionally this week, I know she is stressed as her eczema has flared up. Being 3 she can't understand why Daddy and the boys have had to go away. She has spoken to Daddy - who's thousands of miles away- on the phone, yet we've not managed to have any contact with the boys and they are only the other side of the city!

Cruella has really pulled the punches this time - I'm on the ropes and out for the count.

I feel so angry at Cruella for doing this to us. More importantly I feel so rejected by the two boys that I have raised as my own for the last 9 years.

I know that Cruella will have made it clear to them that they are not coming here - end of story. And I know that she will not encourage them to get in touch with us at all.

But I am finding it really hard to stomach that the boys have not sent a text message (when I topped their phones up with £45 last week) they have not sent an email when I know they have Internet access, and they have ignored all the messages I have posted for them on *facebook* - when it is blatantly obvious that they are on line.

I'm beginning to wonder just how much influence Cruella is having on the boys and I am praying that this lack of contact is not their decision - it will truly break me if it is.

Singleness

Is it even a word?

Today I think I am suffering from a very severe bout of it!

• I pumped in bed this morning - something I never do when Mr M is there.
• Microwave Chicken Tikka & Rice for one this evening for tea, in the lounge no tray or knife
• Watching the trashiest TV programme ever
• Kitchen bin needs emptying -just realised it doesn't do it itself!

I think I've got a bit of adjusting to do!