Sunday, 23 January 2011

Curve balls

Life continues to throw curve balls - some I can catch and pitch right back, some just fly right past and are insignificant, some hit me square on, they are the ones I don't see coming.

17 years ago one of those curve balls hit me, it hit me so damn hard that it left bruises. Bruises that I've covered up. Hidden. Forgotten about.

How was to know that curve balls have boomerang qualities. How could I have predicted that the same curve ball would return some 17 years later. How was I to know that the person throwing it would be someone I adored?

How was I to know that - after 17 years and all that I have experienced - that curve ball wouldn't affect me in the same way?

It's hard to admit that life has changed you, that experiences have made you harder. It's heartbreaking to know that feelings and emotions you once embraced, you now fear and avoid.

The reality of being a grown up, of being a parent, of being someone who has been hurt.

So if I say I'm wary of the curve balls, it doesn't mean I fear them. I just need to accept them and learn how to deal with them.

Monday, 3 January 2011

Would I be friends with me?

I doubt it.

I doubt that I'd think it worth the effort of trying to penetrate my 'stand-offish' exterior.
I doubt that I'd think I was worth a second conversation - why would I be?
I doubt that I'd be bothered with the slow dance, with dodging the curve balls.
I doubt that I'd enjoy being analysed -(it's a self defence mechanism - honest)
I doubt that I'd actually give a damn about a young lady who on the surface is over confident and self assured.
I doubt I'd take the time to wonder whether I was cruelly sarcastic or extremely funny.

If I did make the effort, if I did let myself take a second look at me. Then Yes, I'd probably want to be friends with me - out of pure curiosity if nothing else.

If I did become friends with me I'd hope that I'd find a true friend.
I'd find someone who's been through their own fair share of crap, who's stronger for it and a better person
I'd find someone who would be utterly loyal and over protective
I'd find someone who wouldn't judge me
I'd find someone who'd make me laugh, cry and laugh - in that order
I'd find someone who'd support me in whatever I decided to do, in being whoever I decided to be.
I'd find someone who would always be there for me - regardless.

I'd find a true friend.

So yes, I would be friends with me.

Always x

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