If any of you are still reading - I apologise for my poor posting.
As I write this post I am juggling typing with wiping the tears and snots that are running down my face. If it's a bit garbled then I'm sorry, but I just need to get this out and let it all go.
It's now only a few days until Mr M departs for Afghanistan, if I said that I'm finding it hard to put a brave face on each morning then it would be an understatement. My heart aches already and my stomach churns every moment of every day with the anticipation of not having my best friend right here with me.
Yesterday Cruella crawled from her hole and announced that she would be withholding the boys from me for the entire time that Mr M is away - Oh, but she would be willing to let them come to me once a fortnight from 6pm Saturday until 6pm Sunday. Other than that no contact, not at birthday, halloween or Christmas.
I am devestated. Mr M and I have spent so much time with the boys trying to reassure them that they would be supported whilst Mr M is away. We have never put any pressure on them, yet they have remained adamant that they want to continue with our current contact - no changes, no messing about.
Their choice, informed and supported.
So today my heart breaks as Mr M and I have to try to explain to two wonderful boys why they are being excluded from the only thing that has been consistent and familiar for the last 9 years. What is even more hearbreaking is that they really don't understand what their mother's decision means. How do you tell that to 13 and 11 year old boys without saying truly terrible things about their mother?
As it stands I have 3 days left to spend with the men in my life, how do I enjoy these days without feeling so flaming angry?
As it stands Lola, Dora and I are loosing Mr M, Charlie and Woody from this Wednesday until sometime at the end of January 2010 - How do I explain that to a 3 and 2 year old?
Right now I wonder how I will get through each day, when just typing this post is killing me.
10 months ago