Sometimes I find it really hard to see things with any clarity - you know the 'can't see the woods for the trees' type scenario?
These past couple of weeks have been pretty tough and I have had a huge wake-up call. I had no idea that I was on such a destructive path, that I was so consumed with fear, guilt and anxiety - I wonder how I managed to function for so long.
I managed - no more, no less.
So now my life is in turmoil, I've accepted that I need help and that things are going to have to change around here. I now have to work out how!
Being a healthcare professional you would think that I would be extremely compassionate and understanding of mental health issues?
I am so dismissive of people who have 'trouble coping' or who have 'low mood' or who 'get anxious'. I mock and I judge - my usual piece of advice comes with a huge 'Get A Grip' banner. So imagine my horror when my Dr informed me I have acute Anxiety, with diffused associated depression - WTF??
I have a rational fear of being ill (like last summer), and when I recognise the symptoms, that my risk factors have increased due to work or home stress - I get into a state of anxiety. Rational thinking and common sense go out of the window, sleep becomes a distant memory and I turn into a miserable git.
No fun here because I might (one day) get ill again - see, no logic!
Last week I started night sedation to try to get some unbroken sleep - Mr M can not understand my need for this as he points out 'you are always asleep when I wake up during the night'. What he doesn't get is that I am in bed, trying not to solve the 'yet to occur' problems, trying not to have the 'might happen one day' conversations, trying to get back to freaking sleep! I can say that after two nights of unbroken and restful sleep I can see just how little sleep I have been getting and there is no wonder I look like shit most of the time.
Last week I also started anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication> I'll let you know when they start to kick-in.
I'm hopeful that alongside the counselling (I had session 2 on Tuesday and it wen't ok), the medication will help.
Hopefully within a few weeks things will start to look clearer again, I might start to function as a mum, wife, friend, nurse. I might actually start to enjoy my life again - who knows what a little bit of clarity might lead to?
10 months ago