Thursday, 19 March 2009

I pray for clarity

Sometimes I find it really hard to see things with any clarity - you know the 'can't see the woods for the trees' type scenario?
These past couple of weeks have been pretty tough and I have had a huge wake-up call. I had no idea that I was on such a destructive path, that I was so consumed with fear, guilt and anxiety - I wonder how I managed to function for so long.

I managed - no more, no less.

So now my life is in turmoil, I've accepted that I need help and that things are going to have to change around here. I now have to work out how!

Being a healthcare professional you would think that I would be extremely compassionate and understanding of mental health issues?
I am so dismissive of people who have 'trouble coping' or who have 'low mood' or who 'get anxious'. I mock and I judge - my usual piece of advice comes with a huge 'Get A Grip' banner. So imagine my horror when my Dr informed me I have acute Anxiety, with diffused associated depression - WTF??

I have a rational fear of being ill (like last summer), and when I recognise the symptoms, that my risk factors have increased due to work or home stress - I get into a state of anxiety. Rational thinking and common sense go out of the window, sleep becomes a distant memory and I turn into a miserable git.

No fun here because I might (one day) get ill again - see, no logic!

Last week I started night sedation to try to get some unbroken sleep - Mr M can not understand my need for this as he points out 'you are always asleep when I wake up during the night'. What he doesn't get is that I am in bed, trying not to solve the 'yet to occur' problems, trying not to have the 'might happen one day' conversations, trying to get back to freaking sleep! I can say that after two nights of unbroken and restful sleep I can see just how little sleep I have been getting and there is no wonder I look like shit most of the time.
Last week I also started anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication> I'll let you know when they start to kick-in.

I'm hopeful that alongside the counselling (I had session 2 on Tuesday and it wen't ok), the medication will help.

Hopefully within a few weeks things will start to look clearer again, I might start to function as a mum, wife, friend, nurse. I might actually start to enjoy my life again - who knows what a little bit of clarity might lead to?


Mimi said...

I am praying for you honey. Every single day! You are in my thoughts!


Two Moms With A Plan said...

I hope you are able to pull yourself out of the funk and start to enjoy life again. The important thing is to have the ones you love by your side during times like these. Everything will be ok... you'll see!

Smirking Cat said...

I understand that need for sleep, and that night-time trying to solve problems that keeps you awake! I hope you get some sleep and feel better soon.

Crys said...

I think that you are able to recognize these things within yourself is a huge steps in being able to see the clarity. I too have been in the position where I could see everyone around me suffering but could not see it myself. It literally took a friend from high school pointing it out bluntly to my face for me to realize what was going on. And even then I wasn't ready to see it. So good for you for taking steps and embracing what is going on in your life. I know that you'll be able to pull through and enjoy life. Baby steps though ... take them step by step.

Jax said...

I wish I had great words....but, I don't...peaks & valleys my friend...focus high...look for the it out!!!

dearjenn said...

You are doing the best thing you can do for yourself right now- I can't wait to see when you start feeling better. I have always adored your spunk and your wit- I am certain we will all get to see more of the real Mrs. M we have come to know and love!

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