Refresh yourselves with this if you need to.
Have you ever seen the Young Guns films?
Yoohoo! I'll make you famous!
Stick with me, this is relevant. I love these films and much more I love Emilio Estevez (sp??)
I started a new job on 4th October 1999. I started at 09.00hrs and by 09.30hrs I had met Mr M. I walked onto that ward and there he was, my very own Emilio. I was hooked, he was married.
I had been married for just over two years and I had tried hard to make my marriage work. The more I tried, the less I achieved. Mr H chose to follow a different path than the one I wanted to walk on. He wanted to start a family, he wanted me to give up work, he wanted me to love, honour and obey him.
I just wanted to be loved.
We took several holidays to try to work things out, but seriously how do you stop a drinker from drinking when he doesn't want to stop. How do you change someone that doesn't think they need to change. How do you find the strength to walk away when you have no confidence and your last ounce of self esteem has been knocked from you?
I grew to love my new job and I got to know Mr M. He was my friend - no more - just friends. He was married and had two baby boys. His wife was tall, blonde and gorgeous. How could I compete?
In all honesty though I had no intention of competing. He was married, out of bounds, spoken for. I never once told Mr M that I liked him and I don't think I ever behaved in a way that would have let on either.
I spent the next 9 months focusing on my job and saving like mad. For every £ that Mr H spent on alcohol, I saved into an online account. By July 2000 I had saved quite a few thousand and my marriage was as bad as it had ever been. I was at rock bottom and had accepted that this was to be my life - there would be no way out.
Until I turned up for the 1st day of a two week violence and aggression course and guess who was there?
I spent two weeks rolling around on mats with Mr M (very nice), but more importantly I spent two weeks learning about myself. I was strong, both physically and mentally. I could handle the toughest of work situations, much better than many people. On the last day of the course I made a decision.
Driving home I changed my mind so many times, could I - couldn't I? Should I - shouldn't I?
I arrived home at the same time as Mr H returned from the pub. He asked what was for tea & my reply was.......
...... I don't know, I'm leaving you!
10 months ago