So I thought I was being so very smart. Using this blog as a venting forum for all the problems I was facing with Cruella. It worked, my free therapy helped me to put things into perspective. It helped me to see what issues were worth fighting for and those that I could laugh off or ignore. Life got better, I put Cruella into the little box marked 'insignificant' and hey-ho I'm cured!
But then something changed.
I don't know what possessed me to write the 'Will the real Mrs M please stand up?' posts. I don't know why after all these years I decided to finally open up the box that had been sealed shut with superglue.
I didn't realise it would hurt so fucking much.
Being on bed rest (I say that tongue in cheek) I have had lots of time to think about being Mrs H. I have also had lots of time to cry about being Mrs H. It sucks. 9 years after leaving my first husband I've taken off my mask. I've given up on the act. I have started to accept that the years that I was Mrs H were totally shitty. I have accepted that I have kept this to myself for reasons I don't yet know, but I do know I didn't want to deal with this. I do now.
In some strange way I'm glad that I've found myself in this position and I thank you for your words of wisdom, encouragement and support. I know that writing the next chapters on here are not going to be enough, but I will write them. I have also made an appointment with a counsellor - my first session is Tuesday. I'll be leaving my mask at home.
The Beginning in the End
3 weeks ago