Thursday, 29 January 2009

Toxic friend

I try to be a good friend, really I do. I consider myself to have a very small circle of true friends and for these ladies I would walk on hot coals time and time again.

I tend to think there are two types of friends (and I use the word loosly) there are the friends that I could not (but thankfully do) see from one year to the next, but if I were to pick up the phone they'd be there in a shot - you know the true friends.
Then there are the other friends, you know the type - they phone you when they have a crisis, expect you to drop everything without so much as a kind word or how are you? Unfortunately I have several of these types of friends and I just can't find it in me to end the friendship (agin I use the term loosly).

I can see that you are wondering where this post is going?

Yesterday I recieved a telephone call from one of THOSE friends. Now I have not heard from or seen her since Easter last year and to be honest, I was kind of hoping that we'd run our course and I'd never have to have contact with her again. Lord, I sound such a terrible person, but let me explain.....

I met Mavis on 4th September 1996 - we hit if off instantly and for the next 3 years were inseperable. We shared each others major life events, marriage, divorce etc. Then I met Mr M and she met husband #2 and everything changed. She changed from the Mavis that I knew and I soon found her to be selfish and controlling.
When she left husband #1, after he found out she had been cheating with husband #2, I was there for her. I didn't judge her, I was just there for her. I gave her and husband #2 somewhere to live. Within a short time she married husband #2 (we didn't get an invite to the wedding) and very shortly after she had her only child, whom I opened a trust fund for with a substantial gift (we didn't get an invite to the christening), yet it was me who drove over to do her washing and ironing, it was me who batch cooked food for her freezer, it was me who did all the running around - because I wanted to, because I was her friend.
When Mavis had no money, I bailed her out, when Husband #2 left her (after he found out she had cheated on him) I was there for her, I didn't judge her, I was just there for her. Again I bailed her out more times than I care to remember. I thought after she had sorted herself out, she'd be the Mavis that I had grown so fond of.....

When I gave birth to Lola we didn't even get a phone call, never mind a card or offer of help. She would turn up at really inconvenient times - usually tea time - and I'd cringe when she would say to her child 'it's ok, Mrs M will make tea for us'. Like I didn't have enough to do?
After I had Dora she continued in her now selfish manner, she would visit my home (often for hours on end), watch me struggle with a breastfeeding newborn, toddler and two boys and never once offered to make lunch, a cup of tea, drinks for the kids. She never once asked how things were with Cruella, how I was coping with the kids -she just talked about herself and latest boyfriend, or the drama she was having with husband #2.
When I was really ill during the summer she never volunteered to help, instead she expressed her discontent that I hadn't driven over with her childs birthday present - WTF? I could hardly walk!
So you get the picture, I found Mavis to be toxic, yet I still couldn't find it in me to end our friendship - I'm just not like that!
So when the phone rang last night and I was gteeted with 'Hi Mrs M, it me'! my heart fell. She now wants to meet up as she has yet another crisis and it's far too complicated for her to go into over the telephone........
I really wanted to tell her how I felt, I wanted to say 'find some other sucker to drain' but instaed I have arranged to meet her. I just can't not be nice to her - it's just not in me!


Mimi said...

That's because you are a wonderful woman. I was the same way for a friend of fifteen years, I finally had to cut ties a few years ago. It was the best move I have ever made! Good luck honey!


macocha said...

Oh that isn't good. I am sorry you are in a bind with that one. Ugh!

Trixi said...

Hey sugar tell her to do one, your too busy with you and yours. Know thats easier said than done though!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dearjenn said...

Oh I don't even know how to help you with this one. I know it's easier said than done but really, you need to make it clear that things aren't really working out for you. Maybe just tell her that you can't make it to meet up with her? If she wants to come to your house suggest that she can do so if she brings lunch? Maybe if you lay things back on her she will decide she doesn't want to put forth the effort and then she will ease out of your life without conflict?

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